Understanding Your Child and Competition: A Gentle Guide for Ages 6-7

Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am so glad you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been hearing from so many parents who are navigating something really challenging. Maybe this sounds familiar. Your child either runs away from any kind of competition, avoids games where someone might win or lose, or goes in the complete opposite direction and becomes SO intense, SO aggressive when competing that it worries you. And you're wondering, what's happening here? Is this normal? What can I do to help?

First, let me tell you something IMPORTANT. You are not alone in this, and your child is not broken. What you're seeing is actually your child's developing brain learning one of life's most complex skills, how to handle pressure, comparison, and the big feelings that come with both winning and losing.

Let me share what the Magic Book has taught me, along with some beautiful research that helps us understand what's really happening.

Children ages six and seven are in such a fascinating developmental phase. Their brains are becoming increasingly aware of social comparisons. They're noticing, oh, she ran faster than me. He built a taller tower. I didn't win the game. And here's the thing, their self-esteem is still forming. It's fragile, like a little seedling that's just starting to grow. So when they compare themselves to others and feel like they're not measuring up, it can feel HUGE to them.

Recent research from the Copenhagen Consensus Conference on youth sport wellbeing found something really important. Children experience significantly greater wellbeing in environments that minimize performance pressure and emphasize personal growth over ego-involving competition. What does that mean? It means that when we focus on effort, learning, and development as the success criteria, rather than winning or being the best, children develop healthier emotional regulation and stronger self-confidence.

So when your child avoids competition completely, they might be protecting that fragile self-esteem. They're thinking, if I don't try, I can't fail. If I don't play, I can't lose. And that makes perfect sense when you understand how vulnerable they feel to comparison right now.

And when your child becomes overly aggressive or intense in competition, they're often experiencing what researchers call performance pressure. Their nervous system is flooded with big feelings, anxiety about not being good enough, fear of disappointing you or themselves, and they don't yet have the emotional regulation skills to handle all of that calmly. So it comes out as aggression or intensity.

Child development expert Chloe Gaumont notes that at this age, children may be self-critical or get discouraged if they feel they're not as good as other children at performing a particular task or activity. They're learning to use more complex strategies to cope with emotional situations, but they're still learning. They need our help.

So what can we do? How can we support our children in finding a healthy balance with competition?

The Magic Book whispers this wisdom. Create environments where effort, learning, and development are celebrated more than winning. When your child tries something new, focus on their courage. When they practice a skill, notice their persistence. When they make a mistake, help them see it as information, not failure.

You might say things like, I noticed how hard you worked on that puzzle. You didn't give up even when it was tricky. Or, I saw you trying a new strategy in that game. That's what learning looks like. Or, You and your friend both played so well. I loved watching you have fun together.

Notice what we're NOT saying. We're not saying, you're the best, or you won, or you're better than the other kids. We're focusing on their personal growth, their effort, their learning journey.

Research shows that when coaches and parents foster cooperation and have a learning-oriented, playful approach, children develop much healthier relationships with competition. They learn that the goal isn't to be better than everyone else. The goal is to challenge yourself, to grow, to have fun, and to connect with others.

For children who avoid competition, we want to create safe spaces where they can try without the pressure of winning or losing. Maybe that's playing a cooperative game where everyone works together. Maybe that's practicing a skill just for fun, with no one watching or judging. Maybe that's redefining what success means. Success is trying. Success is learning. Success is having fun.

For children who become too aggressive or intense, we want to help them recognize when their nervous system is getting flooded and give them tools to calm down. Deep breaths. Taking a break. Reminding themselves that it's just a game, and the real goal is to have fun and learn.

You know what else helps SO much? Stories. And we have a beautiful story in The Book of Inara called The Comfort Keepers of Meadowbrook Farm. In this story, Rumi and Freya face unexpected disappointment when their plans change. They learn that setbacks and disappointments can actually lead to wonderful discoveries and new connections. This story teaches children that not winning, not being the best, facing a setback, these aren't failures. They're opportunities for emotional growth and resilience.

After you read this story with your child, you can talk about it together. You might say, remember how Rumi and Freya felt disappointed at first? Have you ever felt that way? And remember how they discovered something even better? Sometimes when things don't go the way we planned, we find new paths that are just as wonderful.

This helps your child see that competition is just one way to challenge themselves, and that learning to handle disappointment with grace, learning to celebrate others' successes, learning to find joy in the process rather than just the outcome, these are actually bigger wins than any trophy.

The Magic Book also reminds us that children need to feel safe to be themselves, to have their voices heard, to make choices. So involve your child in decisions about which activities they want to try. Listen when they tell you something feels too hard or too scary. Honor their feelings while gently encouraging them to stretch just a little bit outside their comfort zone.

And here's something WONDERFUL. Evidence-based research shows that mindfulness and breathing techniques can help children regulate performance anxiety. You can teach your child simple strategies. When you feel your heart beating fast before a game, take three deep breaths. When you feel frustrated that you're not winning, pause and notice what you're feeling. When you feel scared to try, remind yourself that trying is brave, no matter what happens.

Most importantly, wonderful parent, model healthy competition yourself. Let your child see you trying new things, making mistakes, laughing at yourself, celebrating others' successes, and focusing on effort and learning rather than always winning. Children learn so much more from what we DO than from what we SAY.

Your child is learning one of life's most important skills right now. They're learning that their worth isn't determined by being better than others. They're learning that challenges help us grow. They're learning that disappointment is temporary and manageable. They're learning that connection and joy matter more than winning.

And you, wonderful parent, you're teaching them all of this through your patience, your understanding, your gentle guidance. You're helping them build genuine confidence and emotional resilience that will serve them throughout their entire life.

The Magic Book and I are always here for you. Find The Comfort Keepers of Meadowbrook Farm and so many other beautiful stories in The Book of Inara app. Each story is crafted with love to help children navigate these big developmental moments.

You're doing beautifully. Your child is exactly where they need to be. And together, with patience and love, you're building something truly wonderful.

With love and starlight, Inara.