Your child didn't get invited to a birthday party three days ago, and they're still talking about it. Still sad. Still processing. You've tried everything—reassurance, distraction, even planning something special to look forward to—but the disappointment lingers like a cloud that won't lift. You find yourself wondering: Is this normal? Should they be able to move on by now? Am I doing something wrong?
Oh, my wonderful friend, let me tell you something BEAUTIFUL. You are not doing anything wrong. Your child is not broken. And what you're witnessing is actually their brain doing exactly what it needs to do to build emotional resilience that will last a lifetime.
In this post, we're going to explore why disappointments feel so overwhelming for children ages five to six, what child psychologists want you to know about emotional recovery, and gentle strategies that actually work. Plus, I'll share a story from The Book of Inara that teaches children about finding their own rhythm in recovering from setbacks. Ready? Let's dive in together.
Why Disappointments Feel So Big at Ages 5-6
Here's what the Magic Book taught me, and what research confirms: when your five or six year old can't seem to move on from a disappointment, they're navigating a critical developmental phase in building emotional resilience. Their little brains are learning how to process big feelings, and disappointment can feel absolutely overwhelming even when it seems small to us as adults.
Think about it this way. Your child's emotional regulation system is still very much under construction. The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for managing emotions, planning, and impulse control—won't be fully developed until they're in their mid-twenties! Right now, at ages five to six, they're in the early stages of learning how to regulate their emotions following setbacks.
According to child development experts at Naître et grandir, five to six year olds are actively developing emotional regulation skills. Games with rules sometimes challenge children at this age, and they may struggle with emotions like frustration and disappointment as a completely normal part of development. This isn't a deficit—it's just where they are right now in their journey.
The Developmental Reality
What looks like your child being "stuck" in their feelings is actually them learning, processing, and growing. Their brain is building the neural pathways that will help them handle disappointments for the rest of their lives. And that takes time. Real time. Not the quick bounce-back we sometimes expect, but the deep, meaningful kind of learning that creates lasting change.
What Child Psychologists Want You to Know
Research consistently shows that when young children struggle to recover from disappointments, they're not demonstrating a problem—they're demonstrating normal development. And here's the part that might surprise you: the way we respond to their disappointments matters SO much more than how quickly they recover.
"Giving kids the opportunity to sit with negative emotions is actually a huge point of learning and growth for them."
— Dr. Lauren Quetsch, Assistant Professor, University of Arkansas
Dr. Kathryn Humphreys, associate professor of psychology and human development at Vanderbilt University, emphasizes the importance of what she calls CAVE: comfort, attunement to, and validation of emotions. When we respond to our children's disappointments with empathy and patience, rather than rushing to fix every problem or telling them to just get over it, we're actually helping them build the skills they need to regulate their emotions for the rest of their lives.
And Dr. Kathryn Hecht, a child clinical psychologist, explains it this way: "My goal as a parent isn't to get rid of the feeling. I'm not necessarily trying to resolve the experience because I don't want to treat it as an emergency."
This is such wisdom right there. When we treat every disappointment as an emergency that needs to be fixed immediately, we're actually sending our children the message that their feelings are too big, too much, something to be afraid of. But when we can sit with them, validate them, and trust that they will move through this in their own time, we're teaching them that feelings are safe, that they can handle hard things, and that we're here with them no matter what.
The Foundation of Resilience
The Raising Children Network emphasizes that "resilient children can recover from setbacks and get back to living their lives more quickly. When children overcome setbacks and problems, it builds their confidence and helps them feel more capable the next time a problem comes up."
But here's the beautiful part: that resilience isn't built by forcing quick recovery. It's built by allowing children to experience the full arc of disappointment and recovery, with a loving parent by their side, as many times as they need to until they learn that they can handle hard things.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
So what can we do to support our children through these moments? Here are research-backed strategies delivered with love:
1. Validate Their Feelings First
When your child is still upset about something days later, resist the urge to say, "That was so long ago, why are you still thinking about that?" Instead, try something like: "You're still feeling sad about that, aren't you? That disappointment really mattered to you."
Just that simple acknowledgment can help them feel seen and understood. Research demonstrates that when parents validate emotions first before attempting to problem-solve, children develop better emotional regulation skills over time.
2. Resist the Impulse to Fix Everything
I know this is hard. We love our children SO much, and we want to take away their pain. But here's what the research shows: when we validate emotions first rather than rushing to fix every disappointment, we're actually teaching our children that they can trust themselves to handle difficult feelings.
Sit with them in the feeling first. Let them know it's okay to be disappointed, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to take time to feel better. You're not enabling them—you're teaching them that their feelings are safe and that they have the capacity to work through hard emotions.
3. Help Them Understand Their Own Emotional Rhythm
Some children bounce back quickly from disappointments, and some children need more time. Both are completely normal and healthy. You can say things like: "Some people feel better quickly, and some people need more time to feel better, and that's okay. You're learning what works for you."
This helps children understand that there's no "right" timeline for emotional recovery. Everyone has their own pace, and that's not just okay—it's beautiful.
4. Model Healthy Emotional Processing
Let your child see you experience disappointments and work through them. You might say: "I'm feeling disappointed that our plans got canceled. I'm going to take some time to feel sad about it, and then I'll think about what we can do instead."
This shows them that disappointment is a normal part of life, that it's okay to feel sad, and that feelings don't last forever.
5. Create a Safe Space for Big Feelings
Let your child know that all feelings are welcome in your home. You might create a cozy corner with soft pillows where they can go when they need to process big emotions. Or you might have a special "feelings journal" where they can draw or write about what they're experiencing.
The key is communicating: "This is a safe place for all your feelings. You never have to hide how you feel from me."
Stories That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that bring these concepts to life for your child. Let me tell you about one that's PERFECT for this:
The Dream-Rhythm Marathon
Perfect for: Ages 4-5 (also wonderful for 5-6 year olds)
What makes it special: This story follows Kenji and Maeva as they discover that persistence and dreams work together to carry them forward. What I love about this story is that it shows children that everyone has their own pace, their own rhythm, and that finding what works for you is so much more important than forcing yourself to be like everyone else.
Key lesson: When Kenji and Maeva learn to find their own dream-rhythm with help from their friend Celeste, children watching or listening can see that it's okay to take your time, it's okay to have your own way of doing things, and that persistence isn't about bouncing back instantly—it's about finding your own path forward.
How to use it: After you share this story with your child, you can talk about their own emotional rhythm. You can help them identify what helps them feel better when they're disappointed. Maybe it's talking about it, maybe it's drawing, maybe it's just having you nearby while they process. Every child is different, and that's the magic of it.
You're Doing Beautifully
My wonderful friend, if you've read this far, it means you care deeply about supporting your child through their emotional journey. And that care? That patience? That willingness to sit with them in their disappointment rather than rushing them through it? That's exactly what they need.
The research is so clear on this: children whose caregivers respond with empathy and patience, rather than rushing to fix every problem, build the skills to regulate their emotions following setbacks and develop persistence for the things they care about. This patient, validating approach creates the foundation for lifelong emotional health and resilience.
So when your child is still upset days after a disappointment, instead of worrying that something is wrong, you can see it as their brain doing exactly what it needs to do. They're learning. They're processing. They're building the neural pathways that will help them handle disappointments for the rest of their lives.
And you, by being patient, by validating, by not treating their feelings as an emergency, you're giving them the greatest gift. You're teaching them that they can trust themselves, that their feelings are valid, and that they have all the time they need to heal.
Trust your instincts. Trust your child's timeline. And know that the Magic Book and I are always here, cheering you on.
With love and starlight,
Inara
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Show transcript
Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am so happy you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been noticing something that so many parents are experiencing, and I want you to know right from the start that you are not alone in this. If your child struggles to bounce back from disappointments, if they stay upset for days after something doesn't go their way, I want you to take a deep breath and hear this. You are doing beautifully, and your child is developing exactly as they should.
Let me tell you what the Magic Book whispered to me about this. When your five or six year old can't seem to move on from a disappointment, when they're still talking about the birthday party they couldn't attend three days later, or when they're heartbroken about not winning a game for what feels like forever, their brain is actually doing something WONDERFUL. They're building emotional resilience, and that takes time. Real time. Not the quick bounce-back we sometimes expect, but the deep, meaningful kind of learning that lasts a lifetime.
Here's what research shows us, and I find this so beautiful. For children ages five to six, emotional regulation is still very much developing. Their little brains are learning how to process big feelings, and disappointment can feel absolutely overwhelming even when it seems small to us as adults. Child psychologists emphasize that this is completely normal development. It's not a deficit, it's not a problem to fix, it's just where they are right now in their journey.
Dr. Kathryn Humphreys, who's an associate professor of psychology and human development at Vanderbilt University, talks about something called CAVE, which stands for comfort, attunement to, and validation of emotions. And this is so important. When we respond to our children's disappointments with empathy and patience, rather than rushing to fix every problem or telling them to just get over it, we're actually helping them build the skills they need to regulate their emotions for the rest of their lives.
Another expert, Dr. Lauren Quetsch from the University of Arkansas, says something that really changed how I think about this. She says that giving kids the opportunity to sit with negative emotions is actually a huge point of learning and growth for them. Isn't that beautiful? What we might see as our child being stuck in their feelings is actually them learning, processing, growing.
And Dr. Kathryn Hecht, a child clinical psychologist, explains it this way. She says, my goal as a parent isn't to get rid of the feeling. I'm not necessarily trying to resolve the experience because I don't want to treat it as an emergency. And that's such wisdom right there. When we treat every disappointment as an emergency that needs to be fixed immediately, we're actually sending our children the message that their feelings are too big, too much, something to be afraid of. But when we can sit with them, validate them, and trust that they will move through this in their own time, we're teaching them that feelings are safe, that they can handle hard things, and that we're here with them no matter what.
The Magic Book showed me something else that's so important. Resilience develops when children experience challenges and learn to deal with them positively, with strong, supportive relationships serving as the foundation. That relationship is YOU, my friend. Your presence, your patience, your willingness to let your child feel their feelings without rushing them through, that's what builds resilience. Not forcing them to bounce back quickly, but being their safe place while they learn to recover at their own pace.
So what can we do to support our children through these moments? First, validate their feelings. When your child is still upset about something days later, instead of saying, that was so long ago, why are you still thinking about that, try saying something like, you're still feeling sad about that, aren't you? That disappointment really mattered to you. Just that simple acknowledgment can help them feel seen and understood.
Second, resist the impulse to immediately fix every disappointment. I know this is hard. We love our children so much, and we want to take away their pain. But research shows that when we validate emotions first before attempting to problem-solve, children develop better emotional regulation skills over time. So sit with them in the feeling first. Let them know it's okay to be disappointed, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to take time to feel better.
Third, help them understand that everyone has their own rhythm for recovering from setbacks. Some children bounce back quickly, and some children need more time, and both are completely normal and healthy. You can say things like, some people feel better quickly, and some people need more time to feel better, and that's okay. You're learning what works for you.
And here's where stories can be such a beautiful helper. We have a story in The Book of Inara called The Dream-Rhythm Marathon, and it's about two friends, Kenji and Maeva, who discover that persistence and dreams work together to carry them forward. What I love about this story is that it shows children that everyone has their own pace, their own rhythm, and that finding what works for you is so much more important than forcing yourself to be like everyone else.
When Kenji and Maeva learn to find their own dream-rhythm with help from their friend Celeste, children watching or listening can see that it's okay to take your time, it's okay to have your own way of doing things, and that persistence isn't about bouncing back instantly, it's about finding your own path forward. After you share this story with your child, you can talk about their own emotional rhythm. You can help them identify what helps them feel better when they're disappointed. Maybe it's talking about it, maybe it's drawing, maybe it's just having you nearby while they process. Every child is different, and that's the magic of it.
The research is so clear on this, my friend. Children whose caregivers respond with empathy and patience, rather than rushing to fix every problem, build the skills to regulate their emotions following setbacks and develop persistence for the things they care about. This patient, validating approach creates the foundation for lifelong emotional health and resilience.
So when your child is still upset days after a disappointment, instead of worrying that something is wrong, you can see it as their brain doing exactly what it needs to do. They're learning. They're processing. They're building the neural pathways that will help them handle disappointments for the rest of their lives. And you, by being patient, by validating, by not treating their feelings as an emergency, you're giving them the greatest gift. You're teaching them that they can trust themselves, that their feelings are valid, and that they have all the time they need to heal.
The Magic Book reminds us that resilient children can recover from setbacks and get back to living their lives more quickly. But here's the beautiful part. That resilience isn't built by forcing quick recovery. It's built by allowing children to experience the full arc of disappointment and recovery, with a loving parent by their side, as many times as they need to until they learn that they can handle hard things.
You're doing such beautiful work, my friend. Your child is so lucky to have a parent who cares enough to wonder about this, to seek understanding, to want to support them in the best way possible. Trust your instincts. Trust your child's timeline. And know that the Magic Book and I are always here, cheering you on.
Sweet dreams, my wonderful friend. With love and starlight, Inara.
