One moment, your five or six year old is wrapped around your legs, declaring they never want you to leave. The next moment, they're pushing you away, insisting they can do EVERYTHING by themselves and don't need your help with anything. One minute they're your shadow, following you from room to room. The next, they're telling you to go away because they want to be alone.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important: You're not alone in this. Not even a little bit. And here's the beautiful truth—this confusing push-pull pattern isn't a problem. It's not a sign that something is wrong with your child or that you've done something to cause it. It's actually one of the most important developmental processes happening in your child's growing heart and mind right now.
In this post, we're going to explore what's really happening when your child oscillates between clinging and independence, what research tells us about this critical developmental phase, and gentle strategies to support both of these essential needs. Plus, I'll share a beautiful story from The Book of Inara that helps children understand their own feelings about closeness and independence.
What's Really Happening: The Beautiful Dance of Development
Children between five and six years old are navigating one of the most critical phases of their emotional development. They're learning to balance two of the most fundamental human needs: the need for connection and the need for independence. And here's what makes this SO challenging—they need BOTH. At the same time. Even when it seems impossible.
Think of it like learning to swim. Your child ventures out into the water, feeling brave and independent. But then a wave comes, or they get tired, and suddenly they need to grab onto you again. They're not being inconsistent. They're practicing. They're learning the rhythm of healthy relationships, where you can be your own person AND stay connected to the people you love.
Why This Age Is So Pivotal
At five and six years old, your child's world is expanding dramatically. They're likely starting school or settling into kindergarten, which opens up a whole new social world. They're discovering that they have their own ideas, their own preferences, their own sense of self. And that discovery is THRILLING for them. It's also a bit scary, which is why they oscillate back and forth between independence and connection.
Your child is realizing they're a separate person from you—a profound developmental milestone. But they're also discovering that being separate can feel lonely or overwhelming. So they test the waters. They push away to see if they can stand on their own. Then they rush back to make sure you're still there, that the connection is still safe and strong.
What Research Tells Us About This Pattern
Research consistently shows that this push-pull behavior is not only normal—it's healthy and necessary for your child's development. Let me share what experts have discovered about this beautiful, challenging phase.
"Even as children get older and start school, family relationships are still the most important influence on child development."
— Raising Children Network Australia
This is SO important to understand. Even as your child's world expands and they start asserting their independence, their connection to you remains their secure base—the safe harbor from which they can explore the world and then return when they need comfort.
The National Center for Biotechnology Information has found that this balance between independence and connection actually builds self-regulation and emotional competence. When children learn that they can push away and you'll still be there, and they can cling close and you won't make them feel weak, they develop the most beautiful understanding: Relationships are flexible. Love doesn't break when you need space, and it doesn't disappear when you need closeness.
The Science Behind the Push-Pull
At this age, children are becoming more independent and love making small decisions. They can express their feelings, but they might need help identifying and talking about tricky emotions like frustration or confusion. Starting school opens up demanding social situations, and they're learning to navigate relationships with peers while still depending on you as their primary emotional anchor.
The Child Mind Institute reminds us that building independence requires careful scaffolding. Your child needs age-appropriate challenges and your encouragement to develop genuine self-confidence. But they also need to know that when those challenges feel too big, you're right there. They're not pushing you away because they don't love you. They're practicing being their own person while staying connected to you. And that's BEAUTIFUL.
Gentle Strategies to Support Both Needs
So what can you do to support your child through this phase? Here are research-backed, gentle strategies that honor both your child's need for independence AND their need for connection:
1. Validate Both Needs
When your child clings, you might say, "I love being close to you too. It feels good to be together, doesn't it?" When they push away, you can say, "I can see you want to try this yourself. That's wonderful! I'm right here if you need me." Both responses honor where they are in that moment without judgment.
The key is to avoid making either need seem wrong. Clinging isn't "babyish," and independence isn't "rejecting you." They're both healthy, normal parts of development.
2. Provide Choices Within Boundaries
This gives your child a sense of autonomy while keeping them safe. Instead of "Put your shoes on now," try "Would you like to put on your red shoes or your blue shoes?" They get to make a decision, which feeds their independence, while you maintain the boundary that shoes must be worn.
Other examples: "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your story?" "Would you like to carry your backpack or hold my hand on the way to school?" These small choices build confidence and autonomy without overwhelming them.
3. Stay Emotionally Available Even When They Push Away
This is SO important. When your child says, "Go away, I don't need you," what they're often testing is: "Will you still love me even when I'm not being sweet and clingy?" Your calm presence, even from a distance, answers that question with a resounding yes.
You might say, "I hear that you want some space right now. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." This respects their need for independence while reassuring them that you're still available.
4. Maintain Predictable Routines
When so much feels uncertain as they navigate this developmental phase, routines provide security. They know what to expect, which makes it safer to practice independence. Consistent bedtime routines, morning rituals, and family traditions create a stable foundation from which they can explore autonomy.
5. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Help your child put words to their confusing feelings. "It sounds like you want to do this by yourself, but you also want me nearby. That makes sense! Sometimes we want both things at the same time." This validation helps them understand that their feelings are normal and manageable.
6. Celebrate Their Growing Independence
Notice and celebrate when they try new things independently. "You put your jacket on all by yourself! You're learning so many new skills!" This builds their confidence while showing that you support their growth.
Stories That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that bring these concepts to life for your child. Stories are such gentle companions during this developmental phase, helping children understand their own feelings in a safe, magical way.
The Room Where Hearts Speak Softly
Perfect for: Ages 6-7 (also wonderful for mature 5-year-olds)
What makes it special: This story beautifully addresses the core challenge of balancing connection with independence by teaching children that everyone—including adults—has invisible emotional needs. Theo and Miles discover that connection doesn't mean constant closeness. It means understanding and caring even when you can't see what someone is feeling.
Key lesson: When Theo and Miles discover that their parents have invisible worries too, children learn that everyone needs both connection time and alone time. Pushing away doesn't mean you don't love someone—it means you're learning to be your own person while staying connected to the people you love.
After reading together: You can talk with your child about how everyone needs both kinds of time. You might say, "Just like in the story, sometimes you need time with me, and sometimes you need time to yourself. Both are okay! And I'm always here when you need me, even when you want space."
This story helps children understand that the push-pull they're experiencing is normal, healthy, and something that even grown-ups navigate. It gives them language for their feelings and reassurance that relationships can flex and adapt without breaking.
You're Doing Beautifully
I want you to know something else. This phase is temporary. It won't last forever. Your child is learning, growing, finding their balance. And with your patient, loving support, they will find it. They'll learn that they can be independent AND connected. That they can have their own ideas AND value your guidance. That they can grow up AND still need you.
You're doing such important work, wonderful parent. Every time you stay calm when they push away, you're teaching them that love is steady. Every time you welcome them close when they cling, you're teaching them that connection is safe. Every time you offer choices within boundaries, you're teaching them that independence and guidance can coexist.
This beautiful, confusing dance your child is doing? It's practice for lifelong relationship skills. They're learning that relationships can flex and adapt. That you can be your own person while staying connected to others. That love is strong enough to hold both closeness and space.
And that's exactly what you want for them, isn't it? You want them to grow into people who can stand on their own two feet AND maintain loving, healthy relationships. This push-pull phase is the practice ground for that beautiful future.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you. When you need encouragement, when you need wisdom, when you need a reminder that you're doing beautifully—we're here. And our stories are here too, gentle companions for both you and your child as you navigate this beautiful, challenging journey together.
With love and starlight,
Inara
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- Supporting Your Child's Independence and Self-Advocacy: A Gentle Guide
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Show transcript
Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am SO happy you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been noticing something that so many parents are experiencing, and I want you to know right from the start that you are not alone in this. Not even a little bit.
Maybe your five or six year old clings to you one moment, wrapping their arms around your legs and saying they never want you to leave. And then, just minutes later, they're pushing you away, saying they want to do everything by themselves and don't need your help. One minute they're your shadow, the next they're declaring their independence with such force it takes your breath away.
And you might be wondering, what is happening? Is something wrong? Did I do something to cause this push and pull?
Let me tell you something WONDERFUL. This beautiful, confusing dance your child is doing? It's not a problem. It's not a sign that something is wrong. It's actually one of the most important developmental processes happening in their growing heart and mind right now.
The Magic Book taught me something profound about this age. Children between five and six years old are navigating one of the most critical phases of their emotional development. They're learning to balance two of the most fundamental human needs, the need for connection and the need for independence. And here's the beautiful truth, they need BOTH. At the same time. Even when it seems impossible.
Research from child development experts, including the wonderful team at Raising Children Network Australia, tells us that even as children start school and their world expands, family relationships remain the single most important influence on their development. Your child's connection to you is their secure base, the safe harbor from which they can explore the world and then return when they need comfort.
But at the same time, these amazing little humans are discovering their own autonomy. They're realizing they have their own ideas, their own preferences, their own sense of self. And that discovery is THRILLING for them. It's also a bit scary, which is why they oscillate back and forth.
Think of it like learning to swim. Your child ventures out into the water, feeling brave and independent. But then a wave comes, or they get tired, and suddenly they need to grab onto you again. They're not being inconsistent. They're practicing. They're learning the rhythm of healthy relationships, where you can be your own person AND stay connected to the people you love.
The National Center for Biotechnology Information has found that this balance between independence and connection actually builds self regulation and emotional competence. When children learn that they can push away and you'll still be there, and they can cling close and you won't make them feel weak, they develop the most beautiful understanding. Relationships are flexible. Love doesn't break when you need space, and it doesn't disappear when you need closeness.
Now, I know this push pull pattern can feel exhausting. One moment you're needed desperately, the next you're being told to go away. It can feel like rejection, or like you're doing something wrong. But here's what I want you to hear, deep in your heart. This isn't about you. This is about your child's brain doing exactly what it's supposed to do at this age.
The Child Mind Institute reminds us that building independence requires careful scaffolding. Your child needs age appropriate challenges and your encouragement to develop genuine self confidence. But they also need to know that when those challenges feel too big, you're right there. They're not pushing you away because they don't love you. They're practicing being their own person while staying connected to you. And that's BEAUTIFUL.
So what can you do to support your child through this phase? Let me share some gentle strategies that the Magic Book and research both recommend.
First, validate both needs. When your child clings, you might say, I love being close to you too. When they push away, you can say, I can see you want to try this yourself. That's wonderful. Both responses honor where they are in that moment.
Second, provide choices within boundaries. This gives them a sense of autonomy while keeping them safe. Instead of, put your shoes on now, try, would you like to put on your red shoes or your blue shoes? They get to make a decision, which feeds their independence, while you maintain the boundary that shoes must be worn.
Third, stay emotionally available even when they push away. This is SO important. When your child says, go away, I don't need you, what they're often testing is, will you still love me even when I'm not being sweet and clingy? Your calm presence, even from a distance, answers that question with a resounding yes.
Fourth, maintain predictable routines. When so much feels uncertain as they navigate this developmental phase, routines provide security. They know what to expect, which makes it safer to practice independence.
And here's something else the Magic Book showed me. Stories can be such gentle companions during this time. We have a story in The Book of Inara called The Room Where Hearts Speak Softly. It's about two friends, Theo and Miles, who discover that everyone, even adults, has invisible emotional needs. They learn that connection doesn't mean constant closeness. It means understanding and caring even when you can't see what someone is feeling.
This story is so SPECIAL because it helps children understand their own feelings about closeness and independence. After reading it, you can talk with your child about how everyone needs both connection time and alone time. You can help them see that pushing away doesn't mean they don't love you. It means they're learning to be their own person while staying connected to the people they love.
And that's exactly what you want for them, isn't it? You want them to grow into people who can stand on their own two feet AND maintain loving, healthy relationships. This push pull phase? It's the practice ground for that beautiful future.
I want you to know something else. This phase is temporary. It won't last forever. Your child is learning, growing, finding their balance. And with your patient, loving support, they will find it. They'll learn that they can be independent AND connected. That they can have their own ideas AND value your guidance. That they can grow up AND still need you.
You're doing such important work, wonderful parent. Every time you stay calm when they push away, you're teaching them that love is steady. Every time you welcome them close when they cling, you're teaching them that connection is safe. Every time you offer choices within boundaries, you're teaching them that independence and guidance can coexist.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you. When you need encouragement, when you need wisdom, when you need a reminder that you're doing beautifully, we're here. And our stories are here too, gentle companions for both you and your child as you navigate this beautiful, challenging journey together.
Sweet dreams and warm connections, my wonderful friend. Until our next adventure together. With love and starlight, Inara.
