The email from your child's teacher lands in your inbox, and your heart sinks. Again. Your beautiful, bright, wonderful child is having trouble following directions at school. Maybe they are not listening during circle time. Maybe they are struggling to wait their turn. Maybe the teacher says they seem to ignore instructions, and you are starting to wonder what is wrong.
Let me tell you something important right now: You are not alone in this, and your child is not broken. What you are seeing is actually a beautiful, normal part of development. The Magic Book and I have been hearing from SO many parents of four and five year olds who are navigating this exact challenge, and there is so much we can do to support your little one through this learning phase.
In this post, we are going to explore what is really happening in your child's developing brain, what the research tells us about executive function and listening skills, and most importantly, gentle strategies that actually work. Plus, I will share some beautiful stories from The Book of Inara that can help your child learn that listening is a superpower.
What Is Really Happening in Your Child's Brain
Here is something WONDERFUL that the Magic Book taught me. When a four or five year old child seems like they are not listening at school, what is really happening is that their brain is in the middle of one of the most amazing growth spurts of their entire life.
The part of the brain that helps us shift our attention, remember instructions, and follow through on what we are asked to do is called the executive function system. And in your child, it is still being built. Think about it like this: your child is learning to juggle three balls at once. They need to listen to the teacher, remember what was said, and then actually do it, all while managing their emotions and being in a busy classroom with twenty other children. That is a LOT for a developing brain.
The National Association for the Education of Young Children, which is one of the most trusted organizations in early childhood education, tells us that children this age are developing self-regulation and executive function skills that are absolutely critical for school success. But here is the key: these skills take TIME to develop. They do not happen overnight.
Your Child Is Not Choosing to Ignore Their Teacher
This is SO important to understand. Your child's brain is literally learning how to listen, and that is a complex skill that requires patience and practice. When we understand this, everything shifts. Instead of seeing defiance, we see development. Instead of feeling frustrated, we can feel compassionate. And that shift in how we see our children changes how we respond to them.
What Research Says About Executive Function Development
Dr. Vasco Lopes, a wonderful psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, explains something that I think will help you so much. He says that when a child is very emotional, they actually cannot think rationally about their behavior in that moment. So if your child gets overwhelmed at school and then cannot explain why they did not follow the rules, it is not that they are being difficult. It is that their emotional brain has taken over, and the thinking part of their brain is not available to them right then.
A child who is very emotional cannot think rationally about their behavior. Effective discipline requires understanding that young children's brains are still developing self-control.
— Dr. Vasco Lopes, PsyD, Child Mind Institute
Recent research published in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health shows us that executive function development during the preschool years is directly linked to how well children adjust to school. And here is the hopeful part: children whose parents respond with patience and skill-building strategies, rather than punishment, show significantly better behavioral outcomes over time.
So what you do right now, the way you support your child through this phase, it really matters. And you are already doing it by being here, by learning, by caring so deeply about understanding your child.
The Science of Listening Skills
Listening is not just about hearing words. It is about processing language, filtering out distractions, holding information in working memory, and then translating that information into action. For a four or five year old, this is incredibly complex. Their brain is learning to do all of these things simultaneously, and sometimes one part of the process breaks down.
Maybe they heard the instruction but forgot it by the time they got to their cubby. Maybe they were distracted by something interesting and the instruction never made it into their working memory. Maybe they understood what to do but their impulse control was not strong enough to override what they wanted to do instead. None of these scenarios are defiance. They are all normal parts of a developing executive function system.
Why Punishment Does Not Work
When children struggle to follow rules, our instinct is often to implement consequences. Time-outs, losing privileges, stern talks. But here is what the research shows us: punishment alone does not teach the skills children need to develop better listening and cooperation.
The National Association for the Education of Young Children is clear on this. They state that play and guided learning build cooperation skills far more effectively than punishment or direct instruction alone. Children need sustained opportunities for play and responsive caregiving to develop self-regulation.
Think about it this way. If your child is struggling to ride a bike, you would not punish them for falling off. You would be patient, you would practice with them, you would celebrate small wins. The same is true for executive function skills. Your child needs coaching, not consequences.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
So what can we do to help? The Magic Book whispers these gentle truths to me, and I want to share them with you.
1. Reframe How You See the Behavior
Remember that your child is learning to balance their own wonderful ideas and impulses with the guidance they receive from adults. That is not defiance, that is development. When you see it through this lens, you can stay calmer, and your calmness helps their nervous system settle too.
2. Practice Listening Skills at Home in Playful Ways
Make listening feel like a superpower instead of a chore. Here are some ideas:
- Play a game where you whisper silly instructions and they have to listen carefully to hear them
- Have quiet listening moments where you both close your eyes and try to hear all the sounds around you
- Create a listening scavenger hunt where they have to follow multi-step directions to find a treasure
- Read stories together and pause to ask what they think will happen next, building their attention skills
The more you make listening feel valuable and fun, the more your child will want to develop that skill.
3. Work With Your Child's Teacher to Create Clear, Consistent Expectations
Children this age thrive on routines and predictability. When they know what is expected and the expectations stay the same, their brains can relax and focus on learning instead of trying to figure out what the rules are. Talk to your child's teacher about what strategies are working in the classroom, and try to mirror those at home when possible.
4. Celebrate the Small Wins
Did your child remember to hang up their backpack today? That is executive function in action. Did they wait their turn even for just a moment? That is self-regulation developing. When we notice and celebrate these moments, we are teaching their brain that these skills are valuable and worth practicing.
5. Use Stories as Teachers
Here is something else the Magic Book showed me. Stories can be such powerful teachers for children this age. When children hear stories about characters who are learning to listen, to cooperate, to be part of a community, something magical happens. They see themselves in those characters. They learn that listening is a skill that helps them connect with others and discover their own purpose.
Stories That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that bring these concepts to life for your child. Let me share one that is perfect for this challenge:
The Listening Heart Center
Perfect for: Ages 4-5
What makes it special: In this story, Ethan and Sofia discover a magical place where quiet listening helps people find the perfect way to help their community. When they learn to listen with their hearts, not just their ears, they discover that listening is actually a superpower that opens doors to connection and purpose.
Key lesson: Listening is not just about following rules. It is about connecting with others, understanding what is needed, and discovering how we can help. When children see listening as a valuable skill that serves them and their community, they become motivated to develop it.
How to use this story: After you read this story with your child, practice quiet listening moments together. Ask your child, what does your heart tell you when you listen carefully? Help them connect listening skills to positive outcomes, to self-discovery, to the joy of being part of something bigger than themselves.
You Are Doing Beautifully
The Magic Book reminds me that every child develops at their own pace. Some children's executive function skills bloom a little earlier, some a little later. But with consistent support, with patience, with love, and with stories that teach these skills in gentle ways, your child will get there. The struggles you are seeing at school right now, they are temporary. They are part of the journey. And you are walking that journey alongside your child with such grace.
Here is what I want you to remember. Your child is not being difficult, they are having difficulty. Their brain is learning to do something incredibly complex. The way you respond to this challenge will shape not just their behavior, but their sense of self, their confidence, and their relationship with learning. Choose patience. Choose understanding. Choose to see the developing brain instead of the misbehavior. And watch how everything begins to shift.
The Book of Inara is filled with stories that support children through every developmental phase, including this one. Stories about listening, about cooperation, about being part of a community. Stories that teach without lecturing, that guide without shaming. I invite you to explore these stories with your child. Make them part of your bedtime routine, your calm-down time, your connection moments. Let the magic of storytelling do some of the teaching for you.
You have got this, wonderful parent. Your child is learning, growing, and developing exactly as they should. And you are giving them exactly what they need: your love, your patience, and your commitment to understanding. The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on, believing in you and your beautiful child.
With love and starlight,
Inara
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Show transcript
Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am so happy you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been hearing from so many parents lately who are feeling worried because their little ones are having a challenging time at school. Maybe your child's teacher has mentioned that they're struggling to follow directions, or perhaps you've noticed that listening seems really hard for them right now. And I want you to know something important right from the start. You are not alone in this, and your child is not broken. What you're seeing is actually a beautiful, normal part of development, and there is so much we can do to support your little one through this learning phase.
Let me share something WONDERFUL that the Magic Book taught me. When a four or five year old child seems like they're not listening at school, what's really happening is that their brain is in the middle of one of the most amazing growth spurts of their entire life. The part of the brain that helps us shift our attention, remember instructions, and follow through on what we're asked to do, that's called the executive function system, and it's still being built in your child's mind. It's like they're learning to juggle three balls at once, listen to the teacher, remember what was said, and then actually do it, all while managing their emotions and being in a busy classroom. That's a LOT for a developing brain!
The National Association for the Education of Young Children, which is one of the most trusted organizations in early childhood education, tells us that children this age are developing self-regulation and executive function skills that are absolutely critical for school success. But here's the key, these skills take TIME to develop. They don't happen overnight. Your child isn't choosing to ignore their teacher. Their brain is literally learning how to listen, and that's a complex skill that requires patience and practice.
Dr. Vasco Lopes, a wonderful psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, explains something that I think will help you so much. He says that when a child is very emotional, they actually can't think rationally about their behavior in that moment. So if your child gets overwhelmed at school and then can't explain why they didn't follow the rules, it's not that they're being difficult. It's that their emotional brain has taken over, and the thinking part of their brain isn't available to them right then. Isn't that fascinating? Once you understand this, everything shifts.
Recent research published in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health shows us that executive function development during the preschool years is directly linked to how well children adjust to school. And here's the hopeful part, children whose parents respond with patience and skill-building strategies, rather than punishment, show significantly better behavioral outcomes over time. So what you do right now, the way you support your child through this phase, it really matters. And you're already doing it by being here, by learning, by caring so deeply.
So what can we do to help? The Magic Book whispers these gentle truths to me. First, remember that your child is learning to balance their own wonderful ideas and impulses with the guidance they receive from adults. That's not defiance, that's development. When you see it through this lens, you can stay calmer, and your calmness helps their nervous system settle too.
Second, practice listening skills at home in playful ways. You might play a game where you whisper silly instructions and they have to listen carefully to hear them. Or you could have quiet listening moments where you both close your eyes and try to hear all the sounds around you. The more you make listening feel like a superpower instead of a chore, the more your child will want to develop that skill.
Third, work with your child's teacher to create clear, consistent expectations. Children this age thrive on routines and predictability. When they know what's expected and the expectations stay the same, their brains can relax and focus on learning instead of trying to figure out what the rules are.
Fourth, celebrate the small wins. Did your child remember to hang up their backpack today? That's executive function in action! Did they wait their turn even for just a moment? That's self-regulation developing! When we notice and celebrate these moments, we're teaching their brain that these skills are valuable and worth practicing.
And here's something else the Magic Book showed me. Stories can be such powerful teachers for children this age. When children hear stories about characters who are learning to listen, to cooperate, to be part of a community, something magical happens. They see themselves in those characters. They learn that listening is a skill that helps them connect with others and discover their own purpose.
We have a beautiful story in The Book of Inara called The Listening Heart Center. In this story, Ethan and Sofia discover a magical place where quiet listening helps people find the perfect way to help their community. When they learn to listen with their hearts, not just their ears, they discover that listening is actually a superpower that opens doors to connection and purpose. After you read this story with your child, you can practice quiet listening moments together. Ask your child, what does your heart tell you when you listen carefully? Help them connect listening skills to positive outcomes, to self-discovery, to the joy of being part of something bigger than themselves.
The research is so clear on this. Play and guided learning build cooperation skills far more effectively than punishment or time-outs alone. Your child needs you to be their coach, their guide, their safe place while they're developing these complex skills. And I know that can feel exhausting sometimes. I know there are days when you're tired and you just want them to LISTEN the first time. Those feelings are so valid. But please hear this, you are doing beautifully. Your child is lucky to have a parent who cares enough to seek understanding instead of just demanding obedience.
The Magic Book reminds me that every child develops at their own pace. Some children's executive function skills bloom a little earlier, some a little later. But with consistent support, with patience, with love, and with stories that teach these skills in gentle ways, your child will get there. The struggles you're seeing at school right now, they're temporary. They're part of the journey. And you're walking that journey alongside your child with such grace.
So here's what I want you to remember. Your child is not being difficult, they're having difficulty. Their brain is learning to do something incredibly complex. The way you respond to this challenge will shape not just their behavior, but their sense of self, their confidence, and their relationship with learning. Choose patience. Choose understanding. Choose to see the developing brain instead of the misbehavior. And watch how everything begins to shift.
The Book of Inara is filled with stories that support children through every developmental phase, including this one. Stories about listening, about cooperation, about being part of a community. Stories that teach without lecturing, that guide without shaming. I invite you to explore these stories with your child. Make them part of your bedtime routine, your calm-down time, your connection moments. Let the magic of storytelling do some of the teaching for you.
You've got this, wonderful parent. Your child is learning, growing, and developing exactly as they should. And you're giving them exactly what they need, your love, your patience, and your commitment to understanding. The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on, believing in you and your beautiful child.
With love and starlight, Inara.
