You get a message from your child's preschool teacher. Your heart sinks a little as you read: "Your child is having trouble following instructions in class. They seem to ignore directions and sometimes disrupt activities." Maybe you've noticed this at home too. You ask your three or four year old to put on their shoes, and they continue playing as if they didn't hear you. You give a simple direction, and it's like the words disappeared into thin air.
Here's what I want you to know right now, my wonderful friend. You are not alone in this. Your child is not broken. What's happening is not defiance or disrespect. In fact, what you're experiencing is completely, beautifully normal development. And there's SO much we can do to help.
In this article, I'll share what the Magic Book and child development research teach us about why preschoolers struggle with following instructions, what's really happening in their developing brains, and the gentle strategies that actually work. We'll also explore how stories can help your child learn cooperation and listening skills in a way that feels like magic, not like a lesson.
Understanding Your Preschooler's Developing Brain
Let me share something the Magic Book taught me about three and four year old children. At this age, their brains are growing SO fast, like little galaxies expanding with new stars every single day. But here's the thing that many parents don't realize: the part of their brain that helps them pay attention, follow multi-step directions, and switch from one activity to another is still under construction.
Think about it this way. Imagine trying to use a beautiful building that's still being built. Some rooms are ready and functional, but others are still getting their walls, windows, and doors installed. That's what's happening in your preschooler's brain right now. The prefrontal cortex, which controls executive functions like attention-shifting, impulse control, and working memory, is still developing and won't be fully mature until their mid-twenties.
What Following Instructions Actually Requires
When we ask a preschooler to follow an instruction, we're actually asking their brain to do something incredibly complex. Let's break down what has to happen:
- They must stop what they're currently doing (impulse control)
- They must shift their attention from their activity to the speaker (attention-shifting)
- They must process and understand the words they're hearing (language processing)
- They must hold the instruction in their mind while they act on it (working memory)
- They must plan and execute the physical actions required (motor planning)
- They must resist the urge to return to what they were doing (sustained attention)
That's AMAZING work for a little brain that's still developing! When you understand all the steps involved, it becomes clear why preschoolers struggle with something that seems so simple to us adults.
What Research Tells Us About Preschool Listening Skills
The research that the Magic Book and I have studied confirms what many parents are experiencing. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, toddlers and preschoolers have very short attention spans. They need to hear one direction at a time, not two or three all at once. When we give multiple instructions, their working memory simply can't hold all that information.
"Toddlers and preschoolers have a very short attention span. If you tell your child to do more than one thing, they may not remember all the steps."
— Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers
Research from the National Association for the Education of Young Children reveals something beautiful about what actually helps children develop listening and cooperation skills. Dr. Jeannie Ho and Suzanne Funk, who study early childhood education, found that children who have warm, trusting relationships with their teachers and caregivers are much more willing to listen and follow directions.
"Teachers can promote children's social and emotional health by establishing trusting relationships, created when teachers express warmth, affection, and respect."
— Dr. Jeannie Ho and Suzanne Funk, National Association for the Education of Young Children
The Magic Book whispers the same truth: connection comes before direction. When your child feels safe, seen, and loved, their nervous system can relax enough to actually hear and process instructions. When they feel stressed, judged, or disconnected, their brain goes into protection mode, and listening becomes nearly impossible.
The Role of Social-Emotional Learning
The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning has found that when educators and parents use intentional social-emotional learning strategies, children naturally develop the self-regulation and attention skills necessary for classroom cooperation. These strategies include modeling good listening, providing clear visual cues, and coaching children in the moment with warmth and patience.
What's beautiful about this research is that it confirms what the Magic Book has always known: children don't need to be forced or punished into compliance. They need to be taught cooperation skills explicitly, with warmth and patience, while honoring their developmental limitations.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
Now that we understand what's happening in your preschooler's developing brain, let's talk about the strategies that actually help. These approaches are backed by research and aligned with gentle parenting principles.
1. Get Down to Their Eye Level
Before giving any instruction, crouch or kneel so you're at your child's eye level. This simple action makes a HUGE difference. When you're towering above them, your words can feel like they're coming from far away. When you're at their level, you're in their world, and they can actually see and connect with you.
2. Secure Their Attention First
Say your child's name gently and wait for them to make eye contact with you before giving the instruction. This gives their brain time to shift attention from what they're doing to what you're saying. You might say, "Emma," and then pause. Wait for her to look at you. Then give the instruction.
3. Give One Direction at a Time
Instead of saying, "Put your toys away, wash your hands, and come to the table," break it down. Say, "Please put your toys in the basket." Wait for them to complete that step. Then give the next instruction: "Now let's wash our hands." This respects their working memory limitations and sets them up for success.
4. Use Clear, Simple Language
Keep your instructions short and specific. Instead of "Get ready for school," try "Put on your shoes." Instead of "Clean up this mess," try "Put the blocks in the blue bin." The more concrete and specific you can be, the easier it is for their brain to process and act.
5. Stay Warm and Patient
This is SO important. When we get frustrated and raise our voices, our child's nervous system perceives threat. Their brain shifts into fight-or-flight mode, and the parts of the brain responsible for listening and cooperation literally go offline. When we stay calm and warm, even when we need to repeat ourselves, we keep their nervous system in a state where learning is possible.
6. Model Good Listening Yourself
Children learn by watching us. When your child talks to you, stop what you're doing, get down to their level, make eye contact, and really listen. Show them what good listening looks like. They'll internalize this model and gradually apply it themselves.
7. Celebrate When They DO Listen
Notice out loud when your child follows directions. "I saw you stop playing and come when I called you. That's such an important skill you're learning!" This positive reinforcement helps their brain understand that listening leads to good feelings and connection.
Stories That Can Help
Sometimes when children are learning to follow instructions and cooperate, they need to see what these skills look like in action. They need stories that show them, in a gentle and magical way, that paying attention to others creates beautiful results. In The Book of Inara, we have stories designed to teach these important life skills:
The Harmony Arcade Adventure
Perfect for: Ages 4-5 (appropriate for advanced 3-4 year olds)
What makes it special: Leo and Mia discover a magical arcade where something wonderful happens. When they listen carefully to each other and cooperate, the games create the most beautiful light patterns you've ever seen! The whole arcade sparkles and glows when they pay attention to one another.
Key lesson: This story shows children that listening isn't boring or hard. Listening is actually what makes activities more fun and magical! When Leo and Mia learn to give each other their full attention, everything becomes more beautiful.
After reading: Create your own listening games at home. Take turns giving gentle instructions and celebrate when someone listens carefully. Your child will start to understand that paying attention makes everything work better and feel more joyful.
You're Doing Beautifully
I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine your child a year from now. They've had a whole year of patient teachers who get down to their eye level. A whole year of you staying calm and warm when they struggle to listen. A whole year of stories showing them how beautiful cooperation can be. Can you see them? They're raising their hand in class. They're following the teacher's instructions. They're playing cooperatively with friends.
That child is already inside your little one right now, just growing and learning and practicing. Your child isn't ignoring the teacher because they're bad or difficult. They're learning one of the most complex skills a human brain can master. They're learning to regulate their attention, to shift their focus, to remember instructions, and to make their body cooperate. And they're doing this while their brain is still building the very structures they need to do it.
That's not defiance, my wonderful friend. That's courage. That's growth. That's your child working SO hard to learn something new.
The Magic Book and I believe in your child. We believe in you. You're doing such beautiful work, even on the hard days when it feels like nothing is working. Your patience, your warmth, your willingness to learn about child development, all of this is creating the safe space your child needs to grow these important skills.
With love and starlight,
Inara
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Show transcript
Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am SO happy you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been hearing from so many parents lately about something that feels really challenging. Maybe you're experiencing this too. Your little one is in preschool or pre-K, and the teacher mentions that they're having trouble following instructions. Maybe they seem to ignore directions, or they get distracted easily, or they just don't seem to listen when the teacher asks them to do something. And I want you to know something really important right now. You are not alone in this, and your child is not broken. In fact, what's happening is completely, beautifully normal.
Let me share something the Magic Book taught me about three and four year old children. At this age, their brains are growing SO fast, like little galaxies expanding with new stars every single day. But here's the thing. The part of their brain that helps them pay attention, follow multi-step directions, and switch from one activity to another? That part is still under construction. It's like trying to use a beautiful building that's still being built. Some rooms are ready, but others are still getting their walls and windows!
The research that the Magic Book and I have studied shows us something wonderful. When a three or four year old seems to ignore instructions, they're not being defiant. They're not trying to disrupt the class. Their brain is literally learning how to do something incredibly complex. Think about it. To follow an instruction, your child has to stop what they're doing, shift their attention to the teacher, process the words they're hearing, remember what was said, and then make their body do the action. That's AMAZING work for a little brain that's still developing!
Dr. Jeannie Ho, who studies early childhood education, discovered something beautiful in her research. She found that children who have warm, trusting relationships with their teachers are much more willing to listen and follow directions. The Magic Book whispers the same truth. Connection comes before direction. When your child feels safe, seen, and loved by their teacher, their nervous system can relax enough to actually hear and process instructions.
The Centers for Disease Control studied this too, and they found that preschoolers have very short attention spans. They need to hear one direction at a time, not two or three all at once. And here's something that might surprise you. Even getting your child's visual attention before giving an instruction makes a HUGE difference. When the teacher crouches down to their eye level, says their name gently, and waits for them to make eye contact, suddenly that little brain can actually receive the message.
Now, I want to share something else the Magic Book taught me. Sometimes when children are learning to follow instructions, they need to see what cooperation and listening look like. They need stories that show them, in a gentle and magical way, that paying attention to others creates beautiful results.
There's a story in The Book of Inara that I think might help your little one so much. It's called The Harmony Arcade Adventure, and it's about two friends named Leo and Mia. They discover this magical arcade where something wonderful happens. When they listen carefully to each other and cooperate, the games create the most beautiful light patterns you've ever seen! The whole arcade sparkles and glows when they pay attention to one another.
What I love about this story is that it shows children something important. Listening isn't boring or hard. Listening is actually what makes activities more fun and magical! When Leo and Mia learn to give each other their full attention, everything becomes more beautiful. And children watching this story start to understand. Oh! When I listen to my teacher, when I pay attention, good things happen. Everyone has more fun. Everything works better.
After you read this story with your child, you can create your own listening games at home. Maybe you play a game where you take turns giving gentle instructions, and you celebrate when someone listens carefully. Maybe you notice out loud when your child IS paying attention. Oh, I saw you listening to Grandma just now! You stopped what you were doing and looked right at her. That's such an important skill you're learning!
Because here's what the research shows us, and what the Magic Book confirms. Children learn these skills through practice, through modeling, and through feeling safe enough to try. When we shame them for not listening, their nervous system goes into protection mode, and they actually CAN'T listen anymore. But when we stay warm and patient, when we get down to their level and connect first, when we give one simple direction at a time, suddenly their brain can do this hard work.
The experts who study social and emotional learning have found something beautiful. When teachers and parents use gentle strategies like modeling good listening, providing visual cues, and coaching children in the moment, children develop these cooperation skills naturally. It's not about forcing or punishing. It's about teaching with warmth and patience.
I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine your child a year from now. They've had a whole year of patient teachers who get down to their eye level. A whole year of you staying calm and warm when they struggle to listen. A whole year of stories like The Harmony Arcade Adventure showing them how beautiful cooperation can be. Can you see them? They're raising their hand in class. They're following the teacher's instructions. They're playing cooperatively with friends. That child is already inside your little one right now, just growing and learning and practicing.
Your child isn't ignoring the teacher because they're bad or difficult. They're learning one of the most complex skills a human brain can master. They're learning to regulate their attention, to shift their focus, to remember instructions, and to make their body cooperate. And they're doing this while their brain is still building the very structures they need to do it! That's not defiance, my friend. That's courage. That's growth. That's your child working SO hard to learn something new.
So here's what I want you to remember. First, this is normal development. Second, connection comes before direction. Third, one instruction at a time works so much better than multiple steps. Fourth, getting down to their eye level and saying their name first helps their brain receive the message. And fifth, stories like The Harmony Arcade Adventure can show your child how magical listening and cooperation can be.
You can find this story and so many others in The Book of Inara app. Every story is designed to teach these important life skills in a way that feels like magic, not like a lesson. Because that's how children learn best. Through wonder, through connection, through seeing themselves in characters who are learning the same things they're learning.
The Magic Book and I believe in your child. We believe in you. You're doing such beautiful work, even on the hard days when it feels like nothing is working. Your patience, your warmth, your willingness to learn about child development, all of this is creating the safe space your child needs to grow these important skills.
Thank you for being here with me today, my wonderful friend. Thank you for loving your child enough to seek understanding instead of just solutions. The Magic Book and I are always here for you, with stories and wisdom and so much love. Until our next adventure together!
