You're in the middle of a peaceful afternoon when suddenly—crash! Your two-year-old has thrown their favorite toy across the room, and now it's broken into pieces. Or maybe it's the cup that gets knocked off the table in a moment of anger. Or the book that gets ripped when things don't go their way. If you're reading this, my wonderful friend, you've probably experienced this heart-sinking moment more than once, and you might be wondering: Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Will my child ever learn to be gentle?
Let me start by wrapping you in the warmest hug and telling you this: You are NOT alone, and you are doing SO much better than you think. What you're experiencing is one of the most common—and most normal—parts of early childhood development. Your child is not being difficult. Your child is not trying to make your life harder. Your child's beautiful, growing brain is simply learning how to manage feelings that are too big for their little body to hold.
In this article, we're going to explore the fascinating brain science behind why toddlers throw and break things, what the latest research tells us about impulse control development, and most importantly, gentle strategies that actually work to help your little one learn to express their big feelings in safer ways. Plus, I'll share some magical stories from the Luminara One library that can help your child understand these concepts through the power of storytelling.
Understanding What's Really Happening: The Brain Science
Here's something that might surprise you: when your toddler throws something in frustration, their brain is actually working incredibly hard. Let me explain what's happening inside that beautiful little head.
The part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation is called the prefrontal cortex. In adults, this is the part that helps us pause before we react, think through consequences, and choose our responses. But here's the thing—in your two or three-year-old, this part of the brain is still very much under construction. It won't reach full maturity for many, many years.
Dr. Susan Perlman, a neuroscientist who studies young children's brains, used special imaging technology to watch what happens inside a child's brain during moments of frustration. What she discovered was absolutely fascinating: children who experience high levels of frustration actually show increased activation in their prefrontal cortex. This means they ARE trying to regulate themselves—their brains are working hard to control those big feelings—but the neural pathways simply aren't developed enough yet to succeed every time.
Children ages 3-5 show increased activation in the lateral prefrontal cortex during frustration, indicating early emotion regulation capacity, but the prefrontal cortex continues developing through early childhood, with emotion regulation circuits becoming more efficient over time.
— Dr. Susan B. Perlman, PhD, fNIRS Evidence of Prefrontal Regulation of Frustration in Early Childhood
Think about it this way: imagine trying to hold back a rushing river with your bare hands. That's what it feels like for your toddler when a wave of frustration crashes over them. They want to control it. They're trying with all their might to control it. But their little hands—their developing brain—just aren't big enough yet to hold back that flood of feeling.
So what comes out? Sometimes it's throwing. Sometimes it's breaking things. Sometimes it's hitting or pushing. These aren't choices your child is making to be naughty. These are the overflow of emotions that their brain hasn't yet learned to contain.
When Does Self-Control Actually Develop?
If you're wondering when this challenging phase will end, the research has some important insights. According to the Child Mind Institute, children do not actually develop consistent self-control until they are about three and a half to four years old—and even then, they still need tremendous help managing their emotions and behavior.
This is SO important for you to hear. If your two-year-old can't control their impulse to throw when they're frustrated, it's not because you haven't taught them well enough. It's not because they're being defiant. It's because their brain literally cannot do it yet. The neural pathways for self-regulation are still being built, connection by connection, experience by experience.
Gentle parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith emphasizes that throwing, hitting, and destructive behaviors in young children are simply down to biology—brain immaturity, lack of impulse control, and the inability to regulate big emotions. She reminds us that these behaviors are not signs of bad parenting or a difficult child. They're signs of a normal, developing brain doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing at this age.
What This Means for You (And Why It's Actually Good News)
I know it might not feel like good news when you're cleaning up broken toys for the third time today, but here's the beautiful truth: understanding that this is brain development, not bad behavior, changes everything about how you can respond.
When you know that your child's brain is still building the capacity for self-control, you can let go of the worry that you're doing something wrong. You can release the fear that your child will always be this way. You can stop feeling embarrassed when it happens in public, because you know this is a normal developmental phase that millions of parents are navigating right alongside you.
And here's what's truly magical: your calm, patient responses during these moments are literally building the neural pathways your child needs for future self-regulation. Every time you stay calm when they lose control, you're modeling the exact skill you want them to learn. Every time you help them name their feeling instead of punishing the behavior, you're teaching their brain to recognize and process emotions. Every time you offer a safe alternative for their big energy, you're creating new pathways for healthy expression.
You're not just managing behavior, my wonderful friend. You're growing a brain. And that's incredibly powerful work.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
So what can you do to help your little one during this challenging phase? Let me share some research-backed, gentle strategies that honor your child's development while teaching them better ways to express their frustration.
1. Stay Calm Yourself (Even When It's Hard)
I know this is easier said than done, especially when you're tired or when the throwing happens for the tenth time that day. But remember: you are modeling the exact skill you want your child to learn. When you take a deep breath and respond with patience instead of anger, you're showing your child what emotional regulation looks like in action. Your calm becomes their calm, eventually. It might not feel like it's working in the moment, but trust me—your child's brain is absorbing this lesson every single time.
2. Name the Feeling
When you see frustration building, get down to your child's level and put words to what they're experiencing: "I can see you're feeling really frustrated right now. It's okay to feel angry. Feelings aren't bad. But we can't throw our toys. Throwing hurts our things and makes them break."
By naming the emotion, you help your child begin to understand what they're experiencing. This is the crucial first step toward managing it. You're teaching them emotional vocabulary, and that vocabulary becomes a tool they can use to express themselves with words instead of actions.
3. Offer Acceptable Alternatives
Your child needs to do something with all that big energy. So give them safe options. You might say:
- "I can see you need to throw something. Let's go outside and throw this soft ball."
- "Your body has so much big energy right now. Let's stomp our feet together really hard."
- "I have a pillow you can punch if you need to get that angry feeling out."
- "Let's go to your calm-down corner and squeeze this stress ball together."
You're not saying the feeling is wrong. You're teaching them that there are safe, acceptable ways to express it. This is such an important distinction.
4. Create a Calm-Down Space Together
When your child is not upset, work with them to create a special corner with soft pillows, maybe some books, perhaps a favorite stuffed animal. Tell them this is their safe space for when feelings get too big. Practice going there together when everyone is happy, so it feels like a cozy retreat, not a punishment.
Then, when frustration strikes, you can gently guide them there and sit with them while they calm down. The key is staying with them—they're not being sent away, they're being supported through a hard moment.
5. Give More Control in Daily Life
Research shows that when children feel they have some power over their choices, their frustration levels decrease significantly. Let them choose between two outfits. Let them decide which book to read. Let them help with simple tasks like stirring ingredients or putting toys away.
When children feel heard and respected in the small moments, they have less need to assert themselves through destructive behavior in the big moments.
6. Fill Their Connection Cup
Here's something the Magic Book wants you to remember: connection is more powerful than any discipline technique. Spend time each day in pure play with your child. Get on the floor. Be silly. Laugh together. Roughhouse gently. This fills their emotional cup and strengthens your bond, which makes them more able to handle frustration when it comes.
Children who feel deeply connected to their caregivers are more regulated, more cooperative, and more resilient in the face of challenges.
Stories That Teach Gentle Strength
One of the most beautiful ways to help your child understand these big concepts is through storytelling. In the Luminara One app, we have magical stories that bring the idea of gentle strength to life in ways that resonate with young hearts. Let me share three stories that are perfect for this challenge:
The Greenhouse Where Plants Whisper Thank You
Perfect for: Ages 2-3
What makes it special: In this enchanting tale, Milo and Nana discover a magical greenhouse where plants glow softly when they're cared for with gentle touches and kind words. This story teaches your child that gentle actions create beauty and magic, while rough treatment does not. The metaphor is simple but powerful—just like the plants in the story, everything in our world responds better to gentleness.
Key lesson: After you read this story together, you can help your child practice gentle touches with their toys, reminding them that just like the plants in the story, everything feels better when we are gentle. You might even create a little game where toys "glow" (you can make a soft sound or give praise) when your child touches them gently.
The Dancing Shadows of Gentle Strength
Perfect for: Ages 2-3
What makes it special: When Milo and Nana visit a martial arts demonstration, they discover that gentle observation and joyful movement are just as special as powerful kicks. When they dance gently on the practice mats, the mats begin to glow under their soft steps. This story helps children understand that they don't need to use force to express themselves—gentle expression creates its own kind of magic.
Key lesson: When your child feels frustrated, you can remind them of how Milo and Nana's gentle movements made magic happen. You might even create a "gentle dance" together as a way to release big energy without throwing or breaking things.
The Candy Jar Apology
Perfect for: Ages 2-3
What makes it special: When Milo accidentally knocks over Nana's favorite gummy bears at the corner store, the magical candy jars dim until he learns that saying sorry can make everything bright again. This story is perfect for helping your child understand what happens after something breaks and how to repair the situation with a genuine apology. It validates that accidents happen and shows children how to make things right again.
Key lesson: If your child breaks something in frustration, this story provides a gentle framework for helping them understand the impact and learn to repair relationships and situations. It teaches that mistakes are opportunities for growth, not reasons for shame.
You're Doing Beautifully, My Friend
I want you to hear this clearly, with all the love and starlight the Magic Book and I can send your way: you are doing a beautiful job. Your child is not giving you a hard time—your child is having a hard time. Their brain is growing. Their emotions are big. And you, with your patience and love and willingness to learn gentle strategies, are teaching them one of life's most important lessons.
This phase will not last forever. I know it feels endless when you're in the thick of it, but with consistent, calm responses, your child will learn. Their prefrontal cortex will continue to develop. The throwing will decrease. The breaking will stop. And one day, you'll look back on this time and see it for what it truly was: your child's brain learning to hold rivers of feeling with growing hands.
The neural pathways for self-regulation are being built right now, in these very moments. Every time you stay calm, every time you name their feeling, every time you offer a safe alternative, you're laying down another connection in their developing brain. You're not just managing today's behavior—you're building tomorrow's capacity for emotional intelligence.
And that, my wonderful friend, is some of the most important work any human being can do.
The Magic Book and I believe in you. We believe in your child. And we're here, with stories and wisdom and starlight, whenever you need us.
With love and gentle strength,
Inara ✨
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Show transcript
Hello, my wonderful friend. I am Inara, and I am so glad you are here with me today. Let me tell you something important right from the start: if your little one has been throwing things or breaking objects when they feel frustrated, you are not alone, and you are doing beautifully. The Magic Book and I want you to know that what you are experiencing is one of the most normal parts of early childhood development. Your child is not being difficult. Your child is not trying to make your life harder. Your child's brain is simply learning how to manage feelings that are too big for their little body to hold. And that, my dear friend, is exactly what we are going to explore together today. First, let me validate what you might be feeling. When your two or three year old throws their toy across the room and it breaks, or when they knock over their cup in a moment of anger, it can feel overwhelming. You might wonder if you are doing something wrong. You might feel embarrassed when it happens in public. You might worry about what this means for your child's future. The Magic Book whispers to me that these worries come from a place of deep love, and that makes you a thoughtful, caring parent. Now, let me share what the most brilliant child development researchers have discovered about your little one's beautiful, developing brain. The part of the brain that controls impulses and manages big emotions is called the prefrontal cortex. In your two or three year old, this part of the brain is still growing and developing. In fact, research shows that children do not actually develop consistent self-control until they are about three and a half to four years old, and even then, they still need tremendous help managing their emotions. Dr. Susan Perlman, a neuroscientist who studies young children, used special brain imaging technology to watch what happens inside a child's brain during moments of frustration. What she discovered was absolutely fascinating. When young children feel frustrated, their brains are actually working incredibly hard to try to regulate those big feelings. The children who experience the most frustration show the highest activation in their prefrontal cortex, which means they are trying with all their might to control themselves, but their brains simply are not developed enough yet to succeed every time. Think about it this way. Imagine trying to hold back a river with your hands. That is what it feels like for your two year old when a wave of frustration crashes over them. They want to control it. They are trying to control it. But their little hands, their developing brain, just are not big enough yet to hold back that flood of feeling. So what comes out? Sometimes it is throwing. Sometimes it is breaking things. Sometimes it is hitting or pushing. These are not choices your child is making to be naughty. These are the overflow of emotions that their brain has not yet learned to contain. The gentle parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith reminds us that these behaviors are simply down to biology, including brain immaturity and a lack of impulse control and the inability to regulate big emotions. The Child Mind Institute emphasizes that impulse control and emotional self-regulation are major developmental tasks for young children. Your child is not broken. Your child is not bad. Your child is learning one of the hardest skills any human being ever learns: how to feel big feelings without letting those feelings control their actions. And here is the beautiful truth the Magic Book wants you to know: with your patient, loving guidance, your child will learn this skill. Their brain will continue to develop. The neural pathways for self-regulation will grow stronger with every calm, empathetic response you give them. So what can you do to help your little one during this challenging phase? Let me share some gentle strategies that honor your child's development while teaching them better ways to express their frustration. First, stay calm yourself. I know this is hard, especially when you are tired or when the throwing happens for the tenth time that day. But remember, you are modeling the exact skill you want your child to learn. When you take a deep breath and respond with patience instead of anger, you are showing your child what emotional regulation looks like. Your calm becomes their calm, eventually. Second, help your child name their feelings. When you see frustration building, get down to their level and say something like, I can see you are feeling really frustrated right now. It is okay to feel angry. Feelings are not bad. But we cannot throw our toys. Throwing hurts our things and makes them break. By naming the emotion, you help your child begin to understand what they are experiencing. This is the first step toward managing it. Third, offer acceptable alternatives. Your child needs to do something with all that big energy. So give them safe options. You might say, I can see you need to throw something. Let us go outside and throw this soft ball. Or, Your body has so much big energy right now. Let us stomp our feet together really hard. Or, I have a pillow you can punch if you need to get that angry feeling out. You are not saying the feeling is wrong. You are teaching them that there are safe ways to express it. Fourth, create a calm-down space together. When your child is not upset, work with them to create a special corner with soft pillows, maybe some books, perhaps a stuffed animal. Tell them this is their safe space for when feelings get too big. Practice going there together when everyone is happy, so it feels like a cozy retreat, not a punishment. Then, when frustration strikes, you can gently guide them there and sit with them while they calm down. Fifth, give your child more control in their daily life. Research shows that when children feel they have some power over their choices, their frustration levels decrease significantly. Let them choose between two outfits. Let them decide which book to read. Let them help with simple tasks. When children feel heard and respected, they have less need to assert themselves through destructive behavior. And here is something the Magic Book wants you to remember: connection is more powerful than any discipline technique. Spend time each day in pure play with your child. Get on the floor. Be silly. Laugh together. Rough-house gently. This fills their emotional cup and strengthens your bond, which makes them more able to handle frustration when it comes. Now, let me tell you about some beautiful stories from our library that can help your little one understand these big concepts in a gentle, magical way. The first story I want to share with you is called The Greenhouse Where Plants Whisper Thank You. In this enchanting tale, Milo and Nana discover a magical greenhouse where plants glow softly when they are cared for with gentle touches and kind words. This story teaches your child that gentle actions create beauty and magic, while rough treatment does not. After you read this story together, you can help your child practice gentle touches with their toys, reminding them that just like the plants in the story, everything feels better when we are gentle. The second story is The Dancing Shadows of Gentle Strength. Milo and Nana visit a martial arts demonstration and discover that gentle observation and joyful movement are just as special as powerful kicks. When they dance gently on the practice mats, the mats begin to glow under their soft steps. This story helps children understand that they do not need to use force to express themselves. Gentle expression creates its own kind of magic. When your child feels frustrated, you can remind them of how Milo and Nana's gentle movements made magic happen. The third story is The Candy Jar Apology. When Milo accidentally knocks over Nana's favorite gummy bears at the corner store, the magical candy jars dim until he learns that saying sorry can make everything bright again. This story is perfect for helping your child understand what happens after something breaks and how to repair the situation with a genuine apology. It validates that accidents happen and shows children how to make things right again. My dear friend, I want you to hear this clearly: you are doing a beautiful job. Your child is not giving you a hard time. Your child is having a hard time. Their brain is growing. Their emotions are big. And you, with your patience and love, are teaching them one of life's most important lessons. This phase will not last forever. With consistent, calm responses, your child will learn. Their prefrontal cortex will continue to develop. The throwing will decrease. The breaking will stop. And one day, you will look back on this time and see it for what it truly was: your child's brain learning to hold rivers of feeling with growing hands. The Magic Book and I believe in you. We believe in your child. And we are here, with stories and wisdom and starlight, whenever you need us. Sweet dreams, my wonderful friend. Until our next adventure together. With love and starlight, Inara.
