Understanding Attention-Seeking Behavior in Young Children (And How to Help)

Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am SO glad you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been thinking about something really important, and I wanted to talk with you about it. If you've ever watched your child do something risky or even dangerous just to get your attention, and you've felt that mix of fear and frustration and confusion, I want you to know something right now. You are not alone. This is SO much more common than you might think, and more importantly, there is so much we can understand about what's really happening in your child's heart.

So grab a cozy cup of tea, take a deep breath, and let's talk about what's really going on when children seek attention in ways that scare us, and how we can help them learn safer, healthier ways to connect.

First, I want to validate something you might be feeling. When your five or six year old climbs too high, runs into the street, or does something risky right in front of you, it can feel like they don't care about safety at all. It can feel like they're being reckless on purpose. And that is SCARY for you as a parent. Your job is to keep them safe, and when they seem to ignore that safety, it can feel overwhelming.

But here's what the Magic Book has taught me, and what research from child development experts confirms. When children do risky things to get noticed, they're not actually trying to scare you or be difficult. They're communicating something really important. They're saying, I need to feel connected to you, and I don't know how else to make sure you see me.

You see, attention is a primal need for children. It's not a want, it's a NEED, just like food and water and sleep. Dr. Amy Kranzler, a clinical psychologist who works with families, explains that being attuned to how your child is feeling is so important. When children feel seen and understood, when we express curiosity about their feelings in an open and compassionate way, we create a safe environment where they can explore their emotions without needing to resort to extreme behaviors.

At ages five and six, children are in this beautiful but challenging developmental phase. They're building independence, learning to navigate friendships, developing longer attention spans, and figuring out how to express their needs. But here's the thing. Even though they're growing and learning SO much, they still need that secure connection with you. They need to know that you see them, that you're paying attention, that they matter to you.

And sometimes, when children don't know how to ask for that attention directly, or when they've tried asking and it didn't work, they discover that doing something risky gets an immediate, powerful response from you. Your attention floods toward them instantly. And even though that attention might be worried or frustrated, to a child's developing brain, it's still connection. It's still you focusing completely on them.

Research from behavior support specialists shows us something really important. When children receive consistent positive attention for appropriate behaviors, they naturally reduce those disruptive attention-seeking patterns. It's not about ignoring the risky behavior, it's about understanding the need underneath it and teaching better ways to meet that need.

So what can we do? How can we help our children learn to seek attention in safer, healthier ways?

The first step is to give them proactive attention before they need to ask for it in extreme ways. This is called special time, and it's POWERFUL. Even just ten or fifteen minutes a day where you give your child your complete, undivided attention, doing something they choose, can fill up their connection cup so much that they don't need to do risky things to feel seen.

During this special time, put your phone away. Get down on their level. Let them lead the play. Narrate what they're doing with warmth and interest. This tells their nervous system, You matter to me. I see you. You are important. And when children feel that consistently, the need to seek attention through risky behavior decreases dramatically.

The second strategy is teaching them specific, appropriate ways to ask for your attention. You can create a special signal together. Maybe it's a gentle hand on your arm and the words, Mama, I need you, or Papa, can we connect? Practice this when things are calm. Role play it. Make it fun. And then, when they use that signal, respond to it as quickly as you possibly can, even if it's just to say, I see you asking so beautifully! I'm finishing this one thing, and then I'm all yours.

This teaches them that appropriate requests for attention actually work. They don't need to climb the bookshelf or run toward the street. They can use their words and their gentle touch, and you will respond.

The third piece is about emotional literacy. When children understand their own feelings and can name them, they're better able to communicate their needs. We have a beautiful story in The Book of Inara called The Gentle Bells That Listen. In this story, Kenji and Maeva discover that the school fire alarm bells can actually hear their feelings and respond with different gentle chimes. They learn that every emotion carries important wisdom when they listen carefully.

This story teaches children something profound. Their feelings matter. Their feelings have messages. And when they pay attention to those feelings and share them with caring adults, beautiful things happen. They don't need to do something extreme to be heard. They can simply share what's in their heart, and the people who love them will listen.

After you read this story with your child, you can talk about it together. You can say, Just like Kenji and Maeva learned that the bells listen to their feelings, I want you to know that I always want to hear about your feelings too. When you need my attention, you can tell me. You can say, I'm feeling lonely, or I want to play with you, or I need a hug. And I will always listen.

The fourth strategy is about safety boundaries with connection. When your child does do something risky, of course you need to stop it immediately. But the WAY you stop it matters so much. Instead of yelling or punishing, which can actually reinforce the attention-seeking pattern, try this. Stop the behavior calmly and firmly. Then get curious about the need underneath.

You might say, I can see you really wanted my attention just now. Climbing on the counter isn't safe, but I understand you needed me to notice you. Let's find a safer way for you to let me know when you need me. What could you do next time?

This approach does three things. It keeps them safe. It validates their underlying need. And it teaches them that there are better ways to get what they need.

Research shows us that children whose parents respond with empathy and validation develop significantly better emotional regulation skills over time. They learn that their needs are valid, that their parents will help them, and that they don't need to resort to extreme behaviors to feel connected.

The Magic Book reminds us of something beautiful. Every behavior is communication. When we can see past the scary surface behavior to the heart underneath, we can respond with wisdom and love instead of fear and frustration.

Your child isn't trying to scare you. They're not being reckless because they don't care. They're learning, they're growing, and they're figuring out how to get their very real, very important need for connection met. And you, my wonderful friend, can help them learn healthier, safer ways to do that.

Give them proactive attention. Teach them appropriate ways to ask for connection. Build their emotional literacy through stories and conversations. And when they do seek attention in risky ways, respond to the need underneath with calm, loving guidance.

You are doing such important work. Parenting is not easy, and when our children's behavior scares us, it can feel overwhelming. But you are here, you are learning, you are growing alongside your child. And that is BEAUTIFUL.

The Book of Inara is filled with stories that help children understand their feelings, learn to communicate their needs, and build that secure connection with the people who love them. Stories like The Gentle Bells That Listen show children that their emotions matter and that asking for help and attention in gentle ways brings beautiful responses.

Thank you for being here today, my friend. Thank you for caring so deeply about your child's heart and their safety. You are exactly the parent your child needs.

With love and starlight, Inara.