Your child just finished a beautiful drawing. You smile and say, "Wow, you worked so hard on that!" And they respond with... one of two extremes.
Either they say, "I am the BEST artist! I am better than everyone in my class!" Or they shrug and say, "It was not even hard. Anyone could do that."
And here is what makes this SO confusing - sometimes it is the SAME child doing both things. One moment they are boasting about being the fastest runner, the next they are dismissing a project you KNOW took them hours of concentration.
You are not alone in this, wonderful parent. And here is the beautiful truth: both of these behaviors are coming from the exact same place. Understanding this changes everything about how you respond - and how your child develops their relationship with success.
The Surprising Connection Between Bragging and Self-Dismissal
When I first learned this from the Magic Book, it felt like stardust settling into place. Your child is not being arrogant when they brag. They are not being falsely modest when they dismiss their work. They are actually showing you something really important about how they are learning to understand their abilities and their worth.
Both behaviors - the bragging and the dismissing - stem from the same root: anxiety about being judged.
Let me explain how this works, because it is SO important.
When Success Feels Scary
Research from Dr. Carol Dweck at Stanford University discovered something fascinating. When children receive praise that focuses on WHO they are - "You are so smart," "You are so talented," "You are the best" - something interesting happens in their minds. They start to believe that their abilities are fixed. Either you have it or you do not.
And when abilities feel fixed like that, success becomes really scary. Because if you succeed, you have to keep succeeding to prove you are still smart. And if you struggle, it means you are NOT smart. Can you imagine carrying that weight as a five or six-year-old?
So some children start bragging - "I am the fastest, I am the best" - because they are trying to hold onto that smart label. They NEED everyone to know they are good at things, because in their minds, that is who they ARE. Their worth is tied to being the best.
And other children start dismissing their achievements - "That was easy," "Anyone could do that" - because they are trying to avoid the pressure. If they say it was not hard, then struggling next time will not mean they are not smart anymore. They are protecting themselves from the fear of failure.
Both responses are your child trying to feel safe with success. And that breaks my heart a little, because success should feel joyful, not scary.
What Research Reveals About Praise and Self-Esteem
Dr. Carol Dweck is research at Stanford University gives us such important insights here. In her studies, she found that when children were praised for their intelligence, it became such a fundamental part of their self-esteem that they could not even tell the truth on an anonymous piece of paper about their performance.
"When children were praised for their intelligence, it became such an important part of who they are, it was so fundamental to their self-esteem that they could not even tell the truth on an anonymous piece of paper."
— Dr. Carol Dweck, Stanford University
This finding illuminates why some children brag excessively while others dismiss their achievements - both are protecting a fragile sense of self built on performance rather than intrinsic worth.
But here is the beautiful part - this is completely changeable. Your child is not stuck in this pattern.
The Power of Process Praise
The research shows that when children receive praise that focuses on their EFFORT, their STRATEGIES, their PERSISTENCE - "You worked really hard on that," "I noticed you tried three different ways," "You kept going even when it was tricky" - something magical happens.
They start to believe that abilities can GROW. That struggling does not mean you are not smart - it means your brain is exercising and getting stronger. Just like muscles at the gym.
And when children believe that, everything shifts. They do not need to brag because their worth is not tied to being the best. They do not need to dismiss their work because struggling is just part of learning, not a sign of failure.
They can simply appreciate what they have done, feel proud of their effort, and stay curious about what they will learn next. That is what I call humble confidence - and it is one of the most beautiful things to watch develop in a child.
Gentle Strategies That Build Balanced Confidence
Child development specialist Janet Lansbury teaches us something else really important here. She says that when children are going through these boastful or dismissive phases, the WORST thing we can do is correct them or show disappointment.
Because here is what happens - when we say "Do not brag" or "You should be proud of yourself," our child hears "Mom does not approve of how I am handling this." And that actually makes them feel LESS secure, which makes the behavior stronger.
"When children feel better, they behave better. They are kinder. They are considerate. They are empathetic towards other children because they feel deeply secure inside themselves."
— Janet Lansbury, Child Development Specialist
Instead, Janet teaches us to respond with curiosity and acceptance. Here are gentle strategies that actually work:
When Your Child Brags
- Acknowledge their feelings: "You really enjoyed that activity" or "You are noticing what you can do."
- Reflect without judgment: "You feel proud of how fast you ran."
- Shift to process: "I saw you practicing that over and over. Your effort really paid off."
- Avoid comparisons: Do not say "You do not need to compare yourself to others." Just focus on their experience.
When Your Child Dismisses Their Work
- Name what you observed: "I saw how hard you worked on that" or "That took a lot of concentration."
- Validate the challenge: "That puzzle had some tricky parts, did not it?"
- Celebrate effort, not ease: "The best learning happens when things feel challenging."
- Share your own struggles: "I remember when I was learning to cook, the first few times were SO hard. That is how I got better."
Building a Foundation of Security
- Separate worth from performance: Regularly remind your child they are loved because they exist, not because of what they achieve.
- Model humble confidence yourself: Talk about your own efforts, struggles, and growth. "I tried a new recipe today and it did not turn out great, but I learned what to do differently next time."
- Celebrate learning over winning: "What did you learn today?" becomes more important than "Did you win?"
- Create a growth mindset home: Use language like "You have not figured that out YET" and "Mistakes help our brains grow."
Stories That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that bring these concepts to life for your child. Stories have this magical way of teaching lessons that lectures never could.
The Memory-Weaving Library
Perfect for: Ages 4-5 (and wonderful for 5-6 year-olds too)
What makes it special: This story directly addresses the core issue behind both bragging and dismissing achievements: children is beliefs about their intelligence and abilities. When Leo and Mia discover a magical library where books glow when readers struggle, they face an impossible puzzle-book that makes Leo feel discouraged.
Key lesson: When Leo says "Maybe I am not smart enough," his Grandma Mary tells him something wonderful - she says that brains work like plants in a garden. The strongest plants are the ones that face challenges, because that is how their roots grow deeper. When Leo hears this, everything changes. He realizes that struggling does not mean he is not smart. It means his brain is exercising, getting stronger, making new connections. The difficulty is not a sign of failure - it is a sign of GROWTH.
How to use it: After reading this story together, when your child brags or dismisses their work, you can say: "Remember how Leo is brain was exercising when the puzzle felt hard? Your brain is doing the same thing right now. That is how we all get stronger."
You Are Doing Beautifully
Here is what I want you to know, wonderful parent. Your child is relationship with success is still forming. These behaviors you are seeing - they are not permanent. They are your child working through big questions about their abilities and their worth.
And the most powerful thing you can do is help them separate their WORTH from their PERFORMANCE. They are valuable because they exist, because they are learning, because they are trying - not because they are the best or the fastest or the smartest.
When children feel that deep security - when they know they are loved whether they succeed or struggle - that is when humble confidence blooms. They can appreciate their achievements without needing to prove superiority. They can acknowledge their efforts without fear of judgment.
That is the gift you are giving your child. Not just help with bragging or dismissing, but a whole new way of understanding themselves and their abilities. A way that will serve them for their entire lives.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you, shimmering with stardust and ready to support your journey.
Sweet dreams, wonderful parent.
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Show transcript
Hello, wonderful parent. I am Inara, and I want to talk with you today about something I see so often - when your child either brags about everything they do, or dismisses their achievements completely. Maybe they are constantly saying I am the best or I am faster than everyone, or maybe they are saying I am not good at anything or That was not even hard when you know they worked so hard.
And here is what makes this confusing - sometimes it is the SAME child doing both things. One moment they are boasting, the next they are hiding their light. And you are thinking, what is happening here?
Let me share something the Magic Book taught me that changed everything.
Both of these behaviors - the bragging and the dismissing - they are coming from the exact same place. And it is not what you might think.
Your child is not being arrogant. They are not being falsely modest. They are actually showing you something really important about how they are learning to understand success and their own abilities.
Here is what research from Dr. Carol Dweck at Stanford University discovered. When children receive praise that focuses on WHO they are - You are so smart, You are so talented, You are the best - something interesting happens in their minds. They start to believe that their abilities are fixed. Either you have it or you do not.
And when abilities feel fixed like that, success becomes really scary. Because if you succeed, you have to keep succeeding to prove you are still smart. And if you struggle, it means you are NOT smart. Can you imagine carrying that weight?
So some children start bragging - I am the fastest, I am the best - because they are trying to hold onto that smart label. They NEED everyone to know they are good at things, because in their minds, that is who they ARE.
And other children start dismissing their achievements - That was easy, Anyone could do that - because they are trying to avoid the pressure. If they say it was not hard, then struggling next time will not mean they are not smart anymore.
Both responses are your child trying to feel safe with success. And that breaks my heart a little, because success should feel joyful, not scary.
But here is the beautiful part - this is completely changeable. Your child is not stuck in this pattern.
The research shows that when children receive praise that focuses on their EFFORT, their STRATEGIES, their PERSISTENCE - You worked really hard on that, I noticed you tried three different ways, You kept going even when it was tricky - something magical happens.
They start to believe that abilities can GROW. That struggling does not mean you are not smart - it means your brain is exercising and getting stronger. Just like muscles at the gym.
And when children believe that, everything shifts. They do not need to brag because their worth is not tied to being the best. They do not need to dismiss their work because struggling is just part of learning, not a sign of failure.
They can simply appreciate what they have done, feel proud of their effort, and stay curious about what they will learn next. That is what I call humble confidence - and it is one of the most beautiful things to watch develop in a child.
Now, child development specialist Janet Lansbury teaches us something else really important here. She says that when children are going through these boastful or dismissive phases, the WORST thing we can do is correct them or show disappointment.
Because here is what happens - when we say Do not brag or You should be proud of yourself, our child hears Mom does not approve of how I am handling this. And that actually makes them feel LESS secure, which makes the behavior stronger.
Instead, Janet teaches us to respond with curiosity and acceptance. When your child brags, you might say You really enjoyed that activity or You are noticing what you can do. When they dismiss their work, you might say I saw how hard you worked on that or That took a lot of concentration.
You are not agreeing with the bragging or the dismissing. You are just acknowledging what is underneath - their feelings about their abilities. And when children feel accepted in those feelings, they can start to move through them.
The Magic Book has a story that shows this so beautifully. It is called The Memory-Weaving Library, and it is about Leo and Mia discovering a magical library where books glow when readers struggle.
When they face an impossible puzzle-book, Leo says Maybe I am not smart enough. And his Grandma Mary tells him something wonderful - she says that brains work like plants in a garden. The strongest plants are the ones that face challenges, because that is how their roots grow deeper.
When Leo hears this, everything changes. He realizes that struggling does not mean he is not smart. It means his brain is exercising, getting stronger, making new connections. The difficulty is not a sign of failure - it is a sign of GROWTH.
And that is exactly what your child needs to understand. Whether they are bragging to prove they are smart, or dismissing their work to avoid the pressure of being smart, they need to know that their brain is always growing, always learning, always getting stronger through effort.
You can read The Memory-Weaving Library together in The Book of Inara app. And after you read it, when your child brags or dismisses their work, you can say Remember how Leos brain was exercising when the puzzle felt hard? Your brain is doing the same thing right now. That is how we all get stronger.
Here is what I want you to know, wonderful parent. Your child is relationship with success is still forming. These behaviors you are seeing - they are not permanent. They are your child working through big questions about their abilities and their worth.
And the most powerful thing you can do is help them separate their WORTH from their PERFORMANCE. They are valuable because they exist, because they are learning, because they are trying - not because they are the best or the fastest or the smartest.
When children feel that deep security - when they know they are loved whether they succeed or struggle - that is when humble confidence blooms. They can appreciate their achievements without needing to prove superiority. They can acknowledge their efforts without fear of judgment.
That is the gift you are giving your child. Not just help with bragging or dismissing, but a whole new way of understanding themselves and their abilities.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you. Sweet dreams, wonderful parent.
