When Your Child Dismisses Effort: Understanding Growth Mindset in Young Children

Why Your Child Dismisses Effort (And Why It's Completely Normal)

When a five or six-year-old says things like "I'm just not good at this" or "They're better than me because they're naturally talented," what they're really doing is trying to make sense of the world around them. Their developing brain is noticing differences in abilities—some friends can read already, others can climb higher, some draw more detailed pictures—and they're creating a story to explain those differences.

Here's the beautiful part: this is completely normal development. Your child isn't being negative, pessimistic, or giving up too easily. They're actually in a critical learning phase about how abilities work. At this age, children are developing what psychologists call "implicit theories"—beliefs about whether human attributes are fixed or can change.

The Magic Book whispers this truth to me: every child goes through this phase of trying to understand why some things feel easy and others feel hard. Some children naturally lean toward believing abilities can grow (what researchers call an "incremental theory"), while others lean toward believing abilities are fixed (an "entity theory"). But here's what's WONDERFUL—these beliefs aren't permanent. They're shaped by experience, and parents play the most important role in that shaping.

What's Really Happening in Your Child's Brain

At ages five and six, your child's brain is making incredible connections. They're developing the ability to compare themselves to others, to notice patterns, and to form theories about how the world works. When they see a friend excel at something, their brain is asking: "Why can they do that and I can't?"

If they conclude "because they're naturally talented," they're developing what's called a fixed mindset. If they conclude "because they've practiced more," they're developing a growth mindset. And the beautiful truth? The answer they arrive at is profoundly influenced by the messages they receive from the adults around them—especially you.

The Science of Growth Mindset: What Research Reveals

Let me share something absolutely WONDERFUL from the research that will change how you think about praising your child. Dr. Carol Dweck at Stanford University has spent decades studying how children think about their abilities, and what she discovered is revolutionary.

She found that children with a growth mindset—those who believe abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—have effort and strategy-oriented explanations for setbacks. They see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. When something is difficult, they think "I need to try a different approach" or "I need more practice," not "I'm just not good at this."

"Children with a growth mindset have effort and strategy-oriented explanations for setbacks. They believe that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work."

— Dr. Carol Dweck, Stanford University

But here's where it gets even more exciting. Dr. Elizabeth Gunderson's longitudinal research at the University of Chicago shows that the way we praise our children when they're very young actually predicts their beliefs about effort years later. Her team followed children from toddlerhood through elementary school and discovered something remarkable.

When parents praised effort, strategies, and actions—what researchers call "process praise"—children developed the belief that their abilities could grow and improve through practice and persistence. These children showed greater willingness to tackle challenging tasks, attributed their successes to hard work rather than fixed talent, and demonstrated resilience when facing setbacks.

"Children who hear a greater proportion of process praise come to believe that the sources of their accomplishments are effort and deliberate practice."

— Dr. Elizabeth Gunderson, University of Chicago

The research reveals that this pattern begins remarkably early—praise given to children as young as 14 months predicts their motivational frameworks five years later. That means the words you choose TODAY are literally shaping how your child will think about learning and growth for years to come.

Process Praise vs. Person Praise: The Critical Difference

So what exactly is the difference between process praise and person praise? Let me show you:

Person Praise (focuses on innate traits):

• "You're so smart!"
• "You're a natural at this!"
• "You're such a talented artist!"
• "You're the best at puzzles!"

Process Praise (focuses on effort, strategies, and actions):

• "I noticed how hard you worked on that puzzle!"
• "You tried three different ways to build that tower—that's creative thinking!"
• "Look at how much you've improved with practice!"
• "You kept going even when it was tricky. That's persistence!"

Person praise might seem like a good way to build self-esteem, but research shows it actually makes children vulnerable. When they're praised for being "smart" or "talented," they start to believe that's a fixed trait they need to protect. If something becomes difficult, they worry it means they're not actually smart after all, so they avoid challenges.

Process praise, on the other hand, teaches children that their actions create results. When something is hard, they don't question their worth—they simply know they need more practice or a different strategy.

Gentle Strategies to Help Your Child Embrace Effort

Now let's talk about practical ways you can help your child discover the magic of effort. These strategies are gentle, research-backed, and can start making a difference TODAY.

1. Become an Effort Detective

Start noticing and naming the specific strategies your child uses. Instead of "Good job!" try:

• "I saw you try three different ways to reach that toy!"
• "You kept practicing that jump even when it was tricky!"
• "You asked for help when you needed it—that's smart thinking!"
• "You didn't give up when the first attempt didn't work!"

This helps your child see that their actions—not some fixed ability—create results. They start to understand that they have POWER over their own learning and growth.

2. Share Your Own Learning Journey

Let your child see you practicing, making mistakes, and trying again. The Magic Book taught me that children learn more from what we DO than what we SAY. Try saying things like:

• "This recipe didn't turn out right, so I'm going to try a different approach tomorrow!"
• "I'm learning to play the guitar, and my fingers are still figuring out where to go. But I can already see improvement from last week!"
• "I made a mistake on this project, but mistakes help my brain learn!"

When your child sees you embracing challenges and learning from mistakes, they internalize that this is how growth happens.

3. Celebrate the Process, Not Just the Product

When your child shows you their artwork or tells you about their day, ask questions about their effort:

• "What was the most challenging part?"
• "What strategy did you use to figure that out?"
• "What would you try differently next time?"
• "What are you most proud of about how you worked on this?"

These questions help your child reflect on their learning process, not just the outcome. They start to value the journey of learning, not just the destination.

4. Reframe Challenges as Brain-Growing Adventures

The Magic Book loves this one! Help your child see challenges as opportunities for their brain to grow stronger. Try these reframes:

• Instead of "This is too hard" → "This is a great challenge for your growing brain!"
• Instead of "I can't do it" → "I can't do it YET, but I'm learning!"
• Instead of "I'm not good at this" → "I'm still practicing this skill!"
• Instead of "I made a mistake" → "Mistakes are how my brain learns!"

Language is SO powerful. These small shifts in how we talk about challenges literally reshape how children think about their own abilities.

5. Teach About the Growing Brain

At ages five and six, children can understand simple explanations about how their brain works. Try explaining:

"Your brain is like a muscle. Every time you practice something—even when it's hard, ESPECIALLY when it's hard—your brain grows new connections. That's why things that feel impossible at first become easier with practice. Your brain is actually changing and growing!"

This gives children a concrete understanding of why effort matters. It's not just about "trying hard"—it's about literally growing their brain's capabilities.