Hello, wonderful parent. If you are reading this, you might be holding a worry that feels heavy in your heart. Maybe you have noticed your four or five year old is still learning how to be gentle with pets. Maybe you have seen moments where your child did not seem to notice when a younger sibling cried, or when they were a bit too rough with another child. Maybe you have wondered if something is wrong, if you are doing something wrong, or if your child will ever develop that gentle heart you know is possible.
I want you to take a deep breath with me right now. You are not alone in this. Your concern shows how deeply you love your child, and that love is exactly what your little one needs as they navigate this crucial stage of development.
Here is what I want you to know: empathy is not something children are born with fully formed. It is a skill that develops over time, like learning to read or ride a bicycle. And just like those skills, some children need more practice, more guidance, and more support than others. The beautiful truth is that ages four and five represent one of the MOST important windows for empathy development, which means you are exactly where you need to be to help your child grow their gentle heart.
The Science of Empathy: What Is Really Happening in Your Child's Brain
Let me share something that might change how you see those concerning moments. When your four or five year old displays behaviors that worry you, like being rough with animals or not responding when someone is hurt, their brain is not being deliberately unkind. Their brain is literally still building the neural pathways needed for empathy.
Research from the Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development at Birkbeck, University of London reveals something profound about this age. Scientists who study empathy development have discovered that toddlerhood and the preschool years are a critical period when children are transitioning from heavily scaffolded interactions with caregivers to independent peer relationships. During this transition, the brain systems that support empathy are actively under construction.
Think of it like this: your child's empathy muscles are still growing. Every gentle interaction, every moment of guidance, every story that shows kindness is like exercise that makes those muscles stronger. The capacity for empathy is there, waiting to develop, but it needs time, practice, and your patient teaching to fully bloom.
What Empathy Actually Requires
To show empathy, a child needs to be able to do several complex things at once:
- Notice and recognize emotions in others (reading facial expressions, body language, and vocal tones)
- Pause their own impulses and actions (impulse control, which is still developing)
- Connect what they observe to their own emotional experiences (emotional memory and association)
- Adjust their behavior based on that understanding (executive function and self-regulation)
That is a LOT for a developing brain to coordinate. The prefrontal cortex, which controls impulse regulation and executive function, will not be fully developed until your child is in their mid-twenties. Right now, at age four or five, those neural pathways are just beginning to form.
Why Some Children Need More Support Than Others
You might be wondering why your child seems to need more support with gentleness than other children their age. This is such an important question, and the answer is both reassuring and empowering.
Child development experts emphasize that empathy development follows a wide range of normal timelines. Some children naturally pick up on emotional cues earlier, while others need more explicit teaching and practice. This variation is completely normal and does not reflect on your parenting or your child's character.
Research published in peer-reviewed developmental psychology journals shows that early-emerging challenges with empathy often reflect differences in how children process social information, not a lack of caring. Your child is not choosing to be unkind. They are learning, and their learning timeline is their own.
Toddlerhood is a critical age to study the development of empathy, as children emerge from heavily scaffolded interactions with their caregiver and into interactions with their peers. Teacher and parent scaffolding might be paramount for empathy development.
— Dr. Chiara Bulgarelli and Dr. Emily J H Jones, Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development, Birkbeck, University of London
The key word here is scaffolding. Your role is not to force empathy or punish its absence. Your role is to provide the support structure that helps your child build these skills step by step.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
Now let us talk about what you can DO. These strategies are backed by research and designed to meet your child exactly where they are in their development.
1. Become a Feelings Detective Together
One of the most powerful things you can do is narrate emotions as you notice them. When you see your child interact with a pet, another child, or even a toy, describe what you observe in simple, clear language.
You might say: Look, when you pet the kitty gently like this, see how she purrs? That sound means she feels happy and safe. Or: Did you notice your baby sister is crying? That sound tells us she is feeling sad or uncomfortable. Let us see if we can help her feel better.
You are teaching your child to notice and name emotions, which is the very first step toward empathy. Make this a regular practice throughout your day, and watch how your child begins to pick up this skill.
2. Model Gentle Behavior Constantly
Children learn SO much more from what we do than from what we say. Your child is watching you all the time, absorbing how you interact with pets, with other people, with objects, and even with yourself.
Show that gentle touch in everything you do. Say things like: I am being very gentle with this plant because I want to take good care of it. Or: I am using a soft voice because loud sounds can feel scary sometimes. Or: I am petting the dog gently because that feels good to him.
Your modeling is one of the most powerful teaching tools you have. Every gentle interaction you demonstrate is a lesson your child is absorbing.
3. Use Stories as Empathy Teachers
This is where something truly magical happens. Stories allow children to step into someone else's experience in a safe, supported way. Through stories, your child can feel what a character feels, understand why kindness matters, and see the beautiful results of gentle behavior, all while snuggled up safely with you.
When you read stories about empathy and kindness together, pause and talk about what is happening. Ask questions like: How do you think that character felt? What helped them feel better? What would you do in that situation? These conversations help your child connect actions to feelings in a way that makes sense to their developing brain.
4. Celebrate Small Moments of Gentleness
When your child DOES show gentleness, even in small ways, notice it out loud. Celebrate it. Make it a big deal.
You might say: I saw you pet the dog so gently just now. That was wonderful. The dog felt safe and happy with you. Or: You used gentle hands when you helped your little brother. That showed such kindness.
These moments of positive reinforcement teach your child that gentleness feels good, both for them and for others. You are helping them build a positive association with empathetic behavior.
5. Practice Gentle Touch Through Play
Create opportunities for your child to practice gentleness in low-stakes situations. You might play a game where you take turns petting a stuffed animal very gently. Or practice giving gentle hugs to family members. Or play with playdough, practicing gentle squeezing versus rough squeezing.
Make it playful and fun, not a lesson or a correction. The more your child practices gentle touch in safe, supported contexts, the more natural it will become in real situations.
Stories That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that bring these concepts to life for your child. Let me share one that might be especially helpful right now:
The Wonderful Adventures of Nils
Perfect for: Ages 4-5
What makes it special: This classic tale follows a young boy named Nils who learns kindness and empathy through transformative experiences with animals during a magical journey. At the beginning of the story, Nils does not really understand how his actions affect others, especially animals. But through his adventures, he begins to see the world from their perspective. He learns that every creature has feelings, that gentleness matters, and that kindness makes the whole world more beautiful.
Key lesson: Empathy can be learned. When Nils experiences the world from the animals' perspective and begins to understand how his actions affect others, children learn that understanding how others feel is something we can all develop with time and experience.
Why this story works: What I love about this story is that it shows transformation. Nils does not start out perfect. He learns and grows, just like your child is learning and growing right now. When you read this story together, you can pause and talk about how Nils is changing. You might ask: How do you think the animals felt when Nils was unkind? How did Nils learn to be gentler? What helped him understand? These conversations are POWERFUL.
The Critical Window: Why This Age Matters So Much
I want to share something hopeful with you. The National Association for the Education of Young Children emphasizes that children's social and emotional health affects their overall development and learning capacity. The preschool years, ages four and five especially, represent a critical window when the brain is most receptive to learning empathy skills.
This means that the work you are doing right now, the patience you are showing, the gentle guidance you are providing, all of this is happening at exactly the right time. Your child's brain is primed to learn these skills during this developmental window.
Research on child development at ages four to five shows that by age five, most children have developed significantly more control over their behavior and emotions. They are learning to share, take turns, and cooperate with other children. Moral development accelerates during these years as children begin understanding right from wrong.
Your child is right in the middle of this beautiful, challenging developmental leap. And with your support, they WILL get there.
When to Seek Additional Support
While I want to reassure you that many children need extra time and support to develop empathy, I also want to honor your parental instincts. If you have concerns that go beyond typical development, it is always okay to seek guidance from your pediatrician or a child development specialist.
Trust yourself. You know your child best. If something feels like it needs professional attention, seeking that support is an act of love, not a sign of failure.
You Are Doing Beautifully
Wonderful parent, I want you to hear this: your concern shows your love. Your willingness to seek guidance shows your dedication. And your child is SO fortunate to have you as their teacher in this journey toward empathy and kindness.
Teaching empathy is not a quick process. There will be setbacks. There will be moments that worry you. But every single time you guide your child toward gentleness, every time you help them notice how someone else is feeling, every time you read a story that shows kindness, you are planting seeds. Those seeds WILL grow.
The research is clear on this. Children who receive consistent, warm support in learning empathy, children whose parents model kindness and gently correct rough behavior, children who are exposed to stories and conversations about feelings, these children develop strong empathy skills over time. Your efforts matter. Your patience matters. Your love matters.
Remember, your child is not being deliberately unkind. They are learning. Their brain is developing. The pathways for empathy are still being built. And with your guidance, with stories like The Wonderful Adventures of Nils, with patience and modeling and gentle teaching, those pathways will grow stronger every single day.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on, believing in you and your child. With love and starlight, Inara.
Related Articles
- Teaching Empathy to Young Children Who Hurt Others: A Gentle Guide
- When Your Child Hits Teachers: Understanding Aggression Toward Authority (Ages 4-5)
- When Your Child Hurts Others: Understanding Empathy Development in Young Children
- When Sibling Conflict Feels Overwhelming: A Gentle Parenting Guide
- Teaching Right from Wrong: How Children Ages 4-5 Develop Moral Reasoning
Show transcript
Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am so grateful you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been holding space for something that weighs heavy on many parents' hearts. Maybe you've noticed your little one is still learning how to be gentle with pets, or with younger siblings, or with other children. Maybe you've seen moments that worried you, moments where your child seemed not to notice when someone else was hurt or upset. And I want you to know, first and foremost, that you are not alone in this, and your concern shows how deeply you love your child.
Let me share something WONDERFUL with you. What you're witnessing isn't a reflection of who your child IS, it's a snapshot of where they are in their learning journey. Empathy, that beautiful ability to understand and share someone else's feelings, isn't something children are born with fully formed. It's a skill that develops over time, like learning to read or ride a bicycle. And just like those skills, some children need more practice, more guidance, and more support than others.
The research on this is actually quite hopeful. Scientists who study child development have discovered that ages four and five represent one of the MOST important windows for empathy development. During these years, your child's brain is actively building the neural pathways that will help them understand how others feel. Think of it like this, their empathy muscles are still growing, and every gentle interaction, every moment of guidance, every story that shows kindness, is like exercise that makes those muscles stronger.
Here's what the experts at places like the Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development have found. When young children display behaviors that concern us, like being rough with animals or not responding when someone cries, it often reflects that they're still in the early stages of learning to recognize emotions in others and connect those emotions to their own experiences. Their brains are literally still developing the capacity to pause, notice how someone else is feeling, and adjust their behavior accordingly. This takes time, patience, and most importantly, your loving guidance.
The Magic Book whispers something beautiful about this. Every child has a gentle heart waiting to bloom. Some hearts just need a little more sunshine, a little more water, a little more tending before they open fully. And YOU, wonderful parent, you are that sunshine. Your modeling, your gentle corrections, your patient teaching, these are the things that help your child's empathy grow.
So what can you do? Let me share some strategies that really work. First, become a feelings detective together. When you see your child interact with a pet or another child, narrate what you notice. You might say, Look, when you pet the kitty gently like this, see how she purrs? That means she feels happy and safe. Or, Did you notice your baby sister is crying? That sound tells us she's feeling sad or uncomfortable. Let's see if we can help her feel better. You're teaching your child to notice and name emotions, which is the first step toward empathy.
Second, model gentle behavior constantly. Children learn SO much more from what we DO than from what we say. When you interact with pets, with other people, even with objects, show that gentle touch. Say things like, I'm being very gentle with this plant because I want to take good care of it, or, I'm using a soft voice because loud sounds can feel scary sometimes. Your child is watching and learning from every interaction.
Third, read stories together that show empathy and kindness. This is where the magic really happens! Stories allow children to step into someone else's experience in a safe, supported way. They can feel what a character feels, understand why kindness matters, and see the beautiful results of gentle behavior, all while snuggled up safely with you.
And speaking of stories, let me tell you about one that might be especially helpful right now. It's called The Wonderful Adventures of Nils, and it's a classic tale about a young boy who learns kindness through a magical journey. In this story, Nils starts out not really understanding how his actions affect others, especially animals. But through his adventures, he begins to see the world from their perspective. He learns that every creature has feelings, that gentleness matters, and that kindness makes the whole world more beautiful.
What I love about this story is that it shows transformation. Nils doesn't start out perfect, he learns and grows, just like your child is learning and growing right now. When you read this story together, you can pause and talk about how Nils is changing. You might ask, How do you think the animals felt when Nils was unkind? How did Nils learn to be gentler? What helped him understand? These conversations are POWERFUL. They help your child connect actions to feelings in a way that makes sense to their developing brain.
Here's something else that's really important. When your child does show gentleness, even in small ways, celebrate it! Notice it out loud. You might say, I saw you pet the dog so gently just now. That was wonderful! The dog felt safe and happy with you. Or, You used gentle hands when you helped your little brother. That showed such kindness. These moments of positive reinforcement teach your child that gentleness feels good, both for them and for others.
And please, wonderful parent, be patient with yourself too. Teaching empathy is not a quick process. There will be setbacks. There will be moments that worry you. But every single time you guide your child toward gentleness, every time you help them notice how someone else is feeling, every time you read a story that shows kindness, you are planting seeds. Those seeds WILL grow.
The research is clear on this. Children who receive consistent, warm support in learning empathy, children whose parents model kindness and gently correct rough behavior, children who are exposed to stories and conversations about feelings, these children develop strong empathy skills over time. Your efforts matter. Your patience matters. Your love matters.
Remember, your child is not being deliberately unkind. They're learning. Their brain is developing. The pathways for empathy are still being built. And with your guidance, with stories like The Wonderful Adventures of Nils, with patience and modeling and gentle teaching, those pathways will grow stronger every single day.
You can find The Wonderful Adventures of Nils and many other stories about kindness and empathy in The Book of Inara app. Each story is carefully chosen to help children develop their gentle hearts, to understand feelings, and to learn that kindness makes the world more magical for everyone.
You are doing beautifully, wonderful parent. Your concern shows your love. Your willingness to seek guidance shows your dedication. And your child is so fortunate to have you as their teacher in this journey toward empathy and kindness.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on, believing in you and your child. With love and starlight, Inara.
