When Your Child Hurts Others: Understanding Empathy Development in Young Children

Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am SO grateful you're here today. I want to start by saying something really important. If you're watching this because you're worried about your child's behavior toward others, I see you. I see the love in your heart, and I see how much you care. The fact that you're here, seeking understanding and help, tells me everything I need to know about the kind of parent you are.

Today, we're going to talk about something that can feel really scary for parents. When your five or six year old seems to hurt others, when they don't seem to show the caring and kindness you've been teaching them, it can shake you to your core. You might be thinking, what am I doing wrong? Is something wrong with my child? And my dear friend, I want to wrap you in the warmest cosmic hug right now and tell you something the Magic Book has taught me.

Your child is not broken. Your child is not cruel. Your child is in one of the MOST important developmental windows for learning empathy, and what looks like a lack of caring is actually their brain actively building these beautiful, complex skills.

Let me explain what's really happening. The Magic Book has shown me research from some of the world's leading child development experts, and here's what they've discovered. Empathy isn't something children are simply born with, fully formed. It's a skill that develops across three amazing dimensions. First, there's affective empathy, which is feeling what another person feels. Then there's cognitive empathy, which is understanding WHY someone feels that way. And finally, there's behavioral empathy, which is knowing HOW to help.

And here's the beautiful part. At ages five and six, your child's brain is actively building all three of these capacities. It's like watching a garden grow. Some seeds sprout quickly, others take more time, and that's perfectly normal.

Research from UCLouvain's Psychological Sciences Research Institute shows us something fascinating. Some children at this age feel others' emotions VERY deeply, but they get so overwhelmed by those big feelings that they can't understand what's happening. It's like emotional flooding. Other children might understand intellectually that someone is sad, but they haven't yet connected that understanding to the feeling of caring. And still others might feel AND understand, but they don't yet know what to DO to help.

Your child isn't lacking empathy. They're learning it, piece by piece, in their own unique way.

Now, when a child hurts others at this age, the Magic Book whispers this truth. Often, they're struggling with their OWN big feelings that they don't have words for yet. Maybe they're feeling frustrated, or overwhelmed, or scared, and those feelings are so big that they overflow into hurtful actions. They're not enjoying others' pain, my friend. They're drowning in their own feelings and don't know how to swim yet.

The Harvard Graduate School of Education's Making Caring Common project teaches us something powerful. Empathy requires both perspective-taking AND compassion. It's not enough to understand how someone else feels. We also have to care about them. And here's the hopeful part. Children learn to care by experiencing care. When you respond to your child's struggles with patience and empathy, even when their behavior is hurtful, you're teaching them what empathy looks like.

Dr. Michele Borba, one of the world's leading experts on moral development, says this beautifully. Empathy can be taught and strengthened through consistent modeling and practice. Your child is watching you, my friend. Every time you show kindness to a stranger, every time you talk about how someone else might be feeling, every time you respond to THEIR big feelings with patience, you're planting seeds of empathy in their heart.

So what can you do? Let me share some gentle, research-backed strategies that the Magic Book and I have gathered for you.

First, help your child name their feelings. When they're upset, get down to their level and say, I can see you're feeling really frustrated right now. That must be so hard. When children learn to identify their own emotions, they start to recognize those same emotions in others.

Second, practice perspective-taking together. When you're reading stories, watching shows, or even just walking through your day, ask questions like, How do you think that person is feeling? Why might they feel that way? What could we do to help them feel better? Make it a gentle game, not a test.

Third, model empathy in your daily life. Let your child see you noticing when others need help. Say things like, I noticed our neighbor looked sad today. I think I'll bake them some cookies. Or, That little boy at the park seemed lonely. Should we invite him to play? Show them what caring looks like in action.

Fourth, when your child DOES show empathy, even in small ways, celebrate it! Say, I noticed you shared your toy with your friend when they were sad. That was so kind! You helped them feel better! Children repeat behaviors that are noticed and appreciated.

And fifth, be patient with the learning process. Remember, empathy is like learning to read or ride a bike. It takes time, practice, and lots of gentle guidance. There will be setbacks. There will be moments that worry you. But with your loving support, your child WILL get there.

Now, I want to tell you about a story that the Magic Book and I think might really help. It's called The Room Where Hearts Speak Softly, and it's about two friends named Theo and Miles who discover something magical. They learn that everyone, even grown-ups, has invisible feelings and worries. And they discover that small acts of kindness can help heal hearts.

This story is beautiful because it shows children what empathy looks like in action. Theo and Miles learn to notice when someone might be struggling, even when that person doesn't say it out loud. They learn to respond with gentle caring. And most importantly, they learn that everyone deserves compassion, including themselves.

After you read this story with your child, you can practice together. You might say, Remember how Theo noticed his parent was worried? Can you think of a time when you noticed someone feeling sad? What did you do? How do you think it made them feel? These conversations, my friend, are where empathy grows.

The Magic Book also reminds me to tell you this. If you're genuinely concerned about your child's behavior, if the hurtful actions are frequent and intense, it's always okay to reach out to your pediatrician or a child development specialist. Sometimes children need extra support, and seeking help is a sign of strength and love, not failure.

But for most children at this age, what looks like cruelty is actually a developmental phase. It's their brain learning, growing, building these beautiful capacities for caring. And with your patient, loving guidance, they WILL learn to be kind, compassionate people.

I want you to know something, my wonderful friend. The fact that you're worried about this shows how much you care. It shows that you're raising your child with intention and love. And that matters more than you know. Your child is learning empathy not just from the lessons you teach, but from the love you show them every single day.

So take a deep breath. You're doing beautifully. Your child is exactly where they need to be, learning and growing at their own perfect pace. And the Magic Book and I are here to support you every step of the way.

You can find The Room Where Hearts Speak Softly and many other stories about kindness, caring, and empathy in The Book of Inara app. Each story is crafted with love to help children develop these beautiful capacities for connection and compassion.

Thank you for being here today, my friend. Thank you for caring so deeply about your child's heart. The world needs more parents like you, parents who lead with love and patience.

Until our next adventure together, remember this. Your child is not broken. They're blooming. And you're the gardener, tending their heart with such beautiful care.

With love and starlight, Inara.