Why Your Toddler Hits the New Baby (And How to Teach Gentleness)

Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am SO glad you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been thinking about something that so many parents are experiencing right now, and I want you to know, you are not alone in this.

If you have a toddler who is hitting or pushing their new baby sibling, I see you. I know how heartbreaking this can feel. You imagined your children loving each other from the start, and instead, you're constantly worried about keeping your baby safe. You might be feeling frustrated, exhausted, or even wondering if you did something wrong.

Let me tell you something IMPORTANT. You did nothing wrong. Your toddler is not a bad child. And what's happening in your home right now? It's completely, beautifully, wonderfully NORMAL.

Let me share what the Magic Book has taught me about this precious, challenging time.

When a new baby arrives, your toddler's entire universe shifts. For their whole life up until now, they've been the center of your world. And suddenly, there's this tiny person who needs you constantly. Your toddler sees you holding the baby, feeding the baby, soothing the baby, and their little heart is trying to make sense of it all.

Here's what research shows us. When toddlers hit or push their baby sibling, they're not being mean. They're communicating the only way they know how. Their words are still developing, their emotional regulation is just beginning to form, and their impulse control, well, it's barely there at all!

Dr. Kelley Yost Abrams, a developmental psychologist, explains it beautifully. She says that toddlers have almost no impulse control. Their brains are still growing, still learning how to manage big feelings. When they feel jealous, displaced, or overwhelmed, they don't have the tools yet to say, Mommy, I'm feeling left out and I need some attention. Instead, that feeling comes out through their hands.

The research is so clear on this. The arrival of a new sibling is one of the most significant transitions in a young child's life. Studies show that feelings of jealousy, regression, and stress are completely normal developmental responses. Your toddler is not broken. They're adjusting to massive change, and they need your help to learn how to do that gently.

Here's something else the Magic Book wants you to know. When your toddler hits or pushes the baby, underneath that action is a feeling. Maybe it's, I'm scared you don't love me anymore. Maybe it's, I don't know how to share you. Maybe it's simply, These feelings are too big for my little body.

So what can we do? How can we help our toddlers learn to be gentle while also honoring their big feelings?

First, safety is always our number one priority. The experts are clear about this. Never leave your toddler alone with the baby, even for a moment. Not because your toddler is bad, but because they simply don't have the impulse control yet to stop themselves when big feelings arise. Use baby gates, keep the baby in a safe space, and always supervise closely.

Second, when you see your toddler go to touch the baby, intervene gently and teach them where it's safe to touch. You can say, Gentle hands on baby's toes only. Let me show you. Then guide their hand to touch the baby's feet softly. Toes are sturdy, and it gives your toddler a way to connect with their sibling safely.

Third, and this is SO important, validate their feelings. When your toddler tries to hit the baby, get down to their level and say, You're having big feelings right now. It's hard when Mommy is busy with the baby. I see you, and I love you. You're not punishing the feeling, you're acknowledging it. You're teaching them that feelings are okay, but hitting is not.

Then, redirect. You can say, Hitting hurts baby. If you need to push something, you can push your toy car. Or, If you need my attention, you can say, Mommy, I need you. We're teaching them what TO do, not just what not to do.

The research shows us that when parents respond with empathy rather than punishment, children develop better emotional regulation skills. They learn that their feelings matter, that they're safe even when they're struggling, and that there are gentle ways to express what's in their hearts.

Here's another beautiful strategy. Give your toddler special jobs. Let them help you with the baby in small, supervised ways. They can bring you a diaper, sing a song to the baby, or gently pat the baby's back. This helps them feel important and included, rather than replaced.

And please, my friend, make time for just you and your toddler. Even five minutes of focused, one-on-one time can fill their cup so much. Read a story together, build blocks, or just snuggle. Let them know that even though there's a new baby, they're still your precious child, and you still have time just for them.

Now, let me tell you about a story that can help with this. In The Book of Inara, there's a tale called The Greenhouse Where Plants Whisper Thank You. In this story, Milo and Nana discover a magical greenhouse where plants glow softly when they're touched gently and spoken to with kind words.

This story is PERFECT for teaching toddlers about gentle touch. When children see how the plants respond to gentleness, they start to understand that gentle actions create beautiful responses. You can read this story with your toddler, then practice gentle touches on stuffed animals or dolls together. Then, when they're ready, you can guide them to use those same soft, gentle hands with their baby sibling.

The story shows that when we care for living things with tenderness, they grow stronger and happier. And isn't that what we want for our children's relationship? We want them to learn that gentleness creates connection, that kind words and soft touches help love grow.

After you read the story, you can create a little ritual. You might say, Remember how Milo and Nana used gentle hands with the plants? Let's use gentle hands with baby, just like that. You're giving your toddler a framework, a story to hold onto, that makes gentleness feel magical rather than like a rule they have to follow.

I want you to know something else, my friend. This phase is temporary. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, when you're in the thick of it, but it truly is. With your patient guidance, your toddler will learn. They'll learn to manage their big feelings. They'll learn to be gentle. And one day, you'll look up and see them playing together, laughing together, loving each other, and your heart will just overflow.

The experts agree on this. When parents respond with patience, acknowledge their toddler's feelings, and provide consistent emotional support, children successfully navigate this transition. They develop the capacity for sibling bonding and emotional expression. The hitting and pushing fade away, and what emerges is a relationship built on the foundation you're creating right now.

So please, be gentle with yourself too. You're doing something incredibly hard. You're caring for a newborn while also supporting your toddler through a major life transition. You're exhausted, you're stretched thin, and some days you might feel like you're barely holding it together. But you're doing it. You're showing up. You're learning and growing right alongside your children.

The Magic Book and I believe in you. We see your love, your dedication, your beautiful heart. And we're here to support you every step of the way.

If you'd like to explore The Greenhouse Where Plants Whisper Thank You and other stories that teach gentleness and emotional expression, you can find them in The Book of Inara app. These stories are here to be your helpers, your gentle guides, as you navigate this precious time with your growing family.

Thank you for being here with me today, my wonderful friend. Remember, your toddler is not being bad. They're learning. And with your loving guidance, they're going to learn beautifully.

Sweet dreams, and until our next adventure together. With love and starlight, Inara.