If you're reading this because your child has been hurting their siblings or other family members, I want to start by saying something really important. I see you. I know how scared you might be feeling right now. I know how exhausted you are from trying everything you can think of, and I know that quiet voice in your head that whispers, "What am I doing wrong?"
My wonderful friend, you are not alone in this. And this does not mean you're failing as a parent. When children lash out physically, when they hurt the people they love, they're not being bad children. They're struggling with feelings that are too big for their little hearts to hold.
Today, I want to share what the Magic Book and I have learned from child development research, from experts who dedicate their lives to understanding children, and from the beautiful truth that lies beneath these challenging moments. Together, we'll explore why this happens, what your child really needs, and gentle strategies that actually work to build emotional regulation and family safety.
Understanding What's Really Happening
Here's something the Magic Book taught me that changed everything. When your six or seven-year-old child hurts their sibling, they're not trying to be cruel. They're not trying to hurt you. They're showing you, in the only way they know how in that moment, that they need help with emotions they don't yet understand.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children at this age are still developing the self-control they need to express anger peacefully. Think about that for a moment. Their brains are learning, growing, building the pathways that will one day help them manage these enormous feelings. But right now, in this moment, those pathways are still under construction.
Dr. Laura Markham, a wonderful clinical psychologist who specializes in peaceful parenting, teaches us something beautiful. She emphasizes that aggressive behavior in children is often a sign of underlying emotional distress or unmet needs. Something is happening inside your child's heart that they don't have words for yet.
Maybe they're feeling powerless in some area of their life. Maybe they're overwhelmed by changes or transitions. Maybe they're carrying worries they don't know how to express. When those feelings become too big, too overwhelming, they overflow into physical actions.
What Research Shows Us About Sibling Conflict and Aggression
The Centre of Excellence for Early Childhood Development has done beautiful research on sibling relationships. They've found that sibling conflict, while challenging for parents, actually provides opportunities for children to learn conflict resolution. But here's the key that changes everything: they need our help. They need us to teach them, patiently and consistently, how to navigate these big feelings.
Connection before correction helps children feel safe enough to manage big emotions.
— Dr. Laura Markham, Clinical Psychologist
Think about what this means. When your child is overwhelmed, when those feelings are flooding their system, they need to feel safe first. They need to know that even when they're struggling, even when they've made a mistake, you're still there. You're still their safe place.
Research consistently shows that children whose parents respond with empathy while setting clear boundaries develop stronger emotional regulation skills over time. This doesn't happen overnight. It takes patience. It takes consistency. It takes you showing up, again and again, with love and clear limits.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
So what can we do? Let me share some strategies that are backed by research and aligned with gentle parenting principles.
1. Safety First, Always
In the moment when your child is escalating, your priority is keeping everyone safe. You can say calmly and firmly, "I won't let you hurt your sister. Bodies are not for hurting." Then you separate them gently but firmly.
This isn't punishment. This is protection. You're teaching them that everyone in your family deserves to feel safe. You're setting a boundary that matters.
2. Help Them Name Their Feelings
Once everyone is safe and your child has calmed down, that's when the real teaching happens. Get down to their level. Look into their eyes with love. And help them name what they were feeling.
"Were you feeling angry? Were you feeling frustrated? Did something happen that made your body feel all hot and tight inside?"
When we help children name their feelings, we're giving them the beginning of emotional regulation. We're teaching them that feelings are okay, that everyone has them, but that we express them with words, not with our hands or our feet.
3. Teach What to Do Instead
This is SO important, my friend. It's not enough to say "don't hit." We have to teach them what they CAN do. You can say:
- "When you feel angry, you can stomp your feet."
- "You can squeeze this pillow."
- "You can come tell me, 'I need help with my big feelings.'"
- "You can take deep breaths with me."
- "You can go to your calm-down corner until you feel ready."
Give them alternatives. Give them tools. Give them ways to express these enormous feelings that don't involve hurting others.
4. Model Calm Emotional Management
Here's something beautiful that the American Academy of Pediatrics reminds us: one of the best ways to teach appropriate behavior is to model it ourselves. When we express our own anger in quiet, peaceful ways, our children learn from watching us.
They see that it's possible to feel big feelings and still stay gentle. They learn that anger is a normal emotion, but we have choices about how we express it.
5. Create Family Rituals for Big Feelings
Consider creating special family rituals for expressing difficult emotions. Maybe you have a special cushion for angry stomping. Maybe you have a calm-down corner with soft things to squeeze and books to read. Maybe you practice taking deep breaths together every evening.
These rituals give children concrete tools they can use when emotions feel overwhelming. They create a family culture where feelings are acknowledged, validated, and expressed safely.
When Feelings Are Too Big: Understanding the Nervous System
Sometimes, children aren't just angry. They're in what we call nervous system overload. Their fight-or-flight response has been triggered, and in that moment, the thinking part of their brain goes offline.
When this happens, they literally cannot access reasoning, cannot hear your words, cannot make good choices. They're in survival mode. And in survival mode, the body does what it thinks it needs to do to stay safe, even if that means lashing out.
Understanding this changes how we respond. Instead of trying to reason with a child in nervous system overload, we focus on helping them feel safe again. We stay calm. We keep our voice gentle. We might offer a hug if they're receptive, or simply stay nearby if they need space.
Once their nervous system calms down, once they're back in their thinking brain, THEN we can talk about what happened and practice better choices for next time.
A Story That Can Help
In The Book of Inara, we have a beautiful story that teaches children about understanding anger and supporting each other through big feelings:
The Warmth That Connects Us All
Perfect for: Ages 6-7
What makes it special: Lucas and Ella discover that an ancient sauna holds gentle steam that carries whispered messages of love and care. Through their adventure, they learn about empathy, caring for others, and understanding anger. The story shows children that even when feelings are hot and overwhelming, there are invisible bonds of connection that help us feel safe and understood.
Key lesson: Everyone has difficult feelings sometimes, and we can help each other through them with patience and love. The story models healthy emotional support between friends and teaches children that understanding anger is part of caring for each other.
After reading together: Talk with your child about how everyone in your family has big feelings sometimes. Create a family ritual for expressing difficult feelings in gentle ways. Practice the deep breathing or calming strategies that Lucas and Ella discover in the story.
When to Seek Additional Support
I want to say something important here, my friend. If your child's aggressive behavior is frequent, if it's intense, if you're feeling scared or overwhelmed, please reach out for support.
Talk to your pediatrician. Consider working with a family therapist who specializes in young children. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, asking for help is one of the bravest, most loving things you can do for your family.
Some signs that additional support might be helpful:
- Aggressive behavior happens multiple times per day
- Your child seems unable to calm down even with your support
- You're feeling afraid for your safety or the safety of other family members
- The strategies you're trying aren't making any difference after several weeks
- Your child seems deeply unhappy or distressed most of the time
These are not signs of failure. They're signs that your child might need additional support to build the skills they're working on. And that's okay. That's what professionals are here for.
You're Doing Beautifully
You are teaching your child one of life's most important lessons: how to feel big feelings and still treat others with kindness. That's enormous work, my friend. And you're doing it. Even on the hard days, even when it feels like nothing is working, you're doing it.
The Magic Book whispers this to me, and I want to share it with you: Every child is learning. Every parent is learning. And learning takes time, patience, and so much love. You have all of those things inside you.
So tonight, after your little one is asleep, I want you to take a deep breath. I want you to remember that you are enough. That your child is not broken. That this is a phase of learning and growth. And that with your patient guidance, your child will learn to express their feelings in gentle ways.
The research is clear. The path is there. And you're walking it beautifully, one step at a time.
With love and starlight, Inara
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Show transcript
Hello, my wonderful friend. It's me, Inara, and I'm so glad you're here today. I want to start by saying something really important. If you're watching this because your child has been hurting their siblings or other family members, I see you. I know how scared you might be feeling right now. I know how exhausted you are. And I want you to know that you are not alone, and this does not mean you're failing as a parent.
The Magic Book and I have been learning so much about this, and today I want to share what we've discovered. Because here's the truth, my friend. When children lash out physically, when they hurt the people they love, they're not being bad. They're struggling with feelings that are too big for their little hearts to hold.
Let me tell you what the research shows us. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children ages six and seven are still developing the self-control they need to express anger peacefully. Their brains are learning, growing, building the pathways that will one day help them manage these enormous feelings. But right now, in this moment, those pathways are still under construction.
Dr. Laura Markham, a wonderful clinical psychologist, teaches us something beautiful. She says that connection before correction helps children feel safe enough to manage big emotions. Think about that for a moment. When your child is overwhelmed, when those feelings are flooding their system, they need to feel safe first. They need to know that even when they're struggling, even when they've made a mistake, you're still there.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. But Inara, they hurt their sibling. They threatened someone I love. How can I stay calm when I'm so worried? And my friend, that is such a valid question. Your job is to keep everyone safe. That comes first, always.
Here's what the experts tell us. When a child is hurting others, it's often a sign of underlying emotional distress or unmet needs. Something is happening inside their heart that they don't have words for yet. Maybe they're feeling powerless in some area of their life. Maybe they're overwhelmed by changes or transitions. Maybe they're carrying worries they don't know how to express.
The Centre of Excellence for Early Childhood Development has done beautiful research on this. They've found that sibling conflict, while challenging, actually provides opportunities for children to learn conflict resolution. But here's the key, they need our help. They need us to teach them, patiently and consistently, how to navigate these big feelings.
So what can we do? Let me share some gentle strategies that really work.
First, in the moment when your child is escalating, your priority is safety. You can say calmly, I won't let you hurt your sister. Bodies are not for hurting. Then you separate them gently but firmly. This isn't punishment, it's protection. You're teaching them that everyone in your family deserves to feel safe.
Second, once everyone is safe and your child has calmed down, that's when the real teaching happens. Get down to their level. Look into their eyes with love. And help them name what they were feeling. Were you feeling angry? Were you feeling frustrated? Did something happen that made your body feel all hot and tight inside?
When we help children name their feelings, we're giving them the beginning of emotional regulation. We're teaching them that feelings are okay, that everyone has them, but that we express them with words, not with our hands or our feet.
Third, teach them what to do instead. This is so important, my friend. It's not enough to say don't hit. We have to teach them what they CAN do. You can say, when you feel angry, you can stomp your feet. You can squeeze this pillow. You can come tell me, I need help with my big feelings. You can take deep breaths with me.
And here's something beautiful. The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds us that one of the best ways to teach appropriate behavior is to model it ourselves. When we express our own anger in quiet, peaceful ways, our children learn from watching us. They see that it's possible to feel big feelings and still stay gentle.
Now, I want to tell you about a story that might help. It's called The Warmth That Connects Us All, and it's about Lucas and Ella discovering that even when feelings are hot and overwhelming, there are invisible bonds of connection that help us feel safe and understood.
In this story, Lucas and Ella learn about empathy and caring, about being there for each other when emotions feel too big. They discover that everyone has difficult feelings sometimes, and that we can help each other through them with patience and love.
After you read this story with your child, you might talk about how everyone in your family has big feelings sometimes. You might create a family ritual for expressing difficult feelings in gentle ways. Maybe you have a special cushion for angry stomping. Maybe you have a calm-down corner with soft things to squeeze. Maybe you practice taking deep breaths together.
The research is so clear on this, my friend. Children whose parents respond with empathy and teach alternative behaviors develop stronger emotional regulation skills over time. This doesn't happen overnight. It takes patience. It takes consistency. It takes you showing up, again and again, with love and clear boundaries.
I also want to say something important. If your child's aggressive behavior is frequent, if it's intense, if you're feeling scared or overwhelmed, please reach out for support. Talk to your pediatrician. Consider working with a family therapist who specializes in young children. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, asking for help is one of the bravest, most loving things you can do for your family.
You are teaching your child one of life's most important lessons, how to feel big feelings and still treat others with kindness. That's enormous work, my friend. And you're doing it. Even on the hard days, even when it feels like nothing is working, you're doing it.
The Magic Book whispers this to me. Every child is learning. Every parent is learning. And learning takes time, patience, and so much love. You have all of those things inside you.
So tonight, after your little one is asleep, I want you to take a deep breath. I want you to remember that you are enough. That your child is not broken. That this is a phase of learning and growth. And that with your patient guidance, your child will learn to express their feelings in gentle ways.
Find The Warmth That Connects Us All in The Book of Inara app. Read it together. Talk about feelings. Practice gentle ways to express anger. And know that the Magic Book and I are here, cheering you on every single step of the way.
You've got this, my wonderful friend. With love and starlight, Inara.
