Your four-year-old comes home from preschool and says, "I'm not as fast as Emma." Or your five-year-old watches a friend build a tall tower and quietly says, "They're better at this than me." Your heart sinks a little. Is this low self-esteem developing? Should you be worried?
Hello, wonderful parent. It's me, Inara, and I want you to take a deep breath and know something important. What you're witnessing isn't a problem. It's actually a sign of beautiful, healthy brain development. Your child is developing something called social awareness, and while it can feel concerning, it's a critical milestone that sets the foundation for empathy, cooperation, and understanding.
In this post, we're going to explore what's really happening in your child's brain during this phase, what research tells us about comparison and self-worth, and most importantly, how you can support your child in building authentic confidence that comes from within. Plus, I'll share a story from the Magic Book that teaches this lesson beautifully.
What's Really Happening: The Emergence of Social Awareness
Around ages four to five, children's brains undergo a remarkable transformation. They're developing what psychologists call social awareness, the ability to understand that they exist in relation to other people. This is WONDERFUL. It means their brain is growing exactly as it should.
Before this age, most children are primarily focused on their own experiences. They play alongside others but don't necessarily compare themselves. But around age four, something shifts. They start to notice. Who runs faster. Who draws better. Who gets picked first for games. And with that noticing comes questions. Where do I fit? What am I good at? How do I compare?
The Magic Book taught me something that changed everything. When your child compares themselves to others, they're not developing low self-esteem. They're developing self-awareness. And self-awareness is the foundation for so many beautiful things, empathy, cooperation, understanding others' perspectives, and eventually, a healthy sense of self.
Why This Phase Can Feel Overwhelming
This new awareness can feel overwhelming for children, and confusing for parents. Your child might suddenly seem less confident. They might hesitate to try new things. They might express frustration or sadness when they notice someone else can do something they can't. This is all completely normal.
The question isn't whether they'll notice differences. They will. The question is, how do we help them build a healthy relationship with those differences? How do we teach them that everyone has their own unique gifts, their own pace, their own special rhythm?
What Research Says About Competition and Self-Worth
Recent research from Kyoto University shows that children aged four to five who receive gentle guidance during this phase develop stronger emotion regulation skills and healthier self-concepts that last through elementary school and beyond. Dr. Rikuya Hosokawa notes that social-emotional learning programs significantly improve self-esteem in children this age, with benefits extending into early elementary grades.
"Social-emotional learning programs significantly improve emotion regulation and self-esteem in children aged 4-5 years, with benefits extending into early elementary grades."
— Dr. Rikuya Hosokawa, Kyoto University Graduate School of Medicine
The National Academies of Sciences emphasizes that this is also when fairness preferences emerge. Your child is learning about equity, cooperation, and what it means to be part of a community. They're asking themselves big questions. Where do I fit? What am I good at? How do I relate to others? These are important questions for a little person to be asking.
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology confirms that fairness and cooperation are foundational to moral development at this age. When children learn that working together can be just as satisfying as winning alone, they develop healthier frameworks for engaging with others throughout their lives.
The Critical Distinction: External vs. Internal Measures of Success
Here's what the research shows us. Comparison becomes problematic only when it replaces internal measures of growth. When children learn to measure themselves solely against others, they can develop fragile self-esteem that depends on always being "the best." But when children learn to measure themselves against their own progress, they develop resilient confidence that grows from within.
Studies show that children who learn to value personal growth and collaborative achievement during preschool years demonstrate better emotional regulation, stronger peer relationships, and healthier self-esteem patterns as they progress through school. You're not just helping your child through this moment. You're building a foundation for lifelong wellbeing.
Gentle Strategies That Support Healthy Self-Worth
So what can we do to support our children during this important developmental phase? Here are research-backed strategies that work, delivered with warmth and practicality.
1. Validate Their Observations
When your child says, "She's faster than me," don't rush to say, "No you're not," or "It doesn't matter." Instead, try something like, "You noticed that! Everyone has their own pace, don't they? What do YOU love about running?"
This does something powerful. It validates their observation (which is accurate), acknowledges that differences exist (which is true), and then shifts the focus from external comparison to internal experience. You're teaching them that noticing differences is okay, but defining themselves by those differences is not necessary.
2. Help Them Discover Their Own Dream-Rhythm
The Magic Book showed me that every child has what I call a dream-rhythm. It's their unique way of moving through the world, their special combination of strengths, interests, and pace. When we help children find THEIR rhythm instead of trying to match someone else's, everything changes.
Ask questions like:
- "What makes you feel strong and happy when you try?"
- "What do you love about this activity?"
- "What's YOUR favorite part?"
Instead of:
- "Are you the best?"
- "Did you win?"
- "Who's faster?"
This gentle shift in language helps your child build confidence from the inside out.
3. Celebrate Effort and Growth, Not Just Outcomes
Instead of "You're the best!" try "I noticed how hard you tried," or "Look how much you've learned!" This builds what researchers call internal measures of success. Your child learns to measure themselves against their own progress, not against others.
When you say things like, "Remember when you couldn't do this, and now you can? Your brain is AMAZING at learning," you're teaching them that growth is the goal, not perfection or being "better than" someone else.
4. Teach Cooperation Alongside Competition
Research confirms that when children learn that working together can be just as satisfying as winning alone, they develop healthier frameworks for engaging with others. Look for opportunities to celebrate teamwork, collaboration, and helping others succeed.
You might say, "I love how you and your friend worked together to build that!" or "You helped them learn something new. That's SO special." This teaches them that there are many ways to feel proud and accomplished, not just by being "the best."
5. Normalize the Learning Process
When your child expresses frustration that someone else can do something they can't, try saying, "I see you feeling frustrated that your friend can do something you're still learning. That's a hard feeling. And you know what? You're learning and growing every single day. Your brain is AMAZING at learning. You just need time and practice."
This validates their feelings, reframes the challenge as normal development, and reminds them of their own growth trajectory. It helps them see that they're not in competition with others. They're on their own unique journey.
A Story That Teaches This Beautifully
In The Book of Inara, we have a story that the Magic Book and I created specifically for this developmental moment. It's called The Dream-Rhythm Marathon, and it teaches children about finding their own pace in the most magical way.
The Dream-Rhythm Marathon
Perfect for: Ages 4-5
What makes it special: In this story, Kenji and Maeva are running in a children's marathon, and they notice that every runner's footsteps create a unique rhythm. Some are fast and light, others are steady and strong. With help from their friend Celeste, they discover that the marathon course holds the dreams of every runner, and that finding your own dream-rhythm is more important than being the fastest.
Key lesson: Success isn't about comparing yourself to others. It's about finding and honoring your own unique pace and purpose. When children hear this story, they start to understand that everyone has their own special rhythm, and that's not just okay, it's BEAUTIFUL.
How to use it: After you read this story with your child, help them identify their own dream-rhythm. Ask questions like, "What makes you feel strong and happy when you try?" or "What do you love about this activity?" This gentle conversation helps your child build confidence from the inside out.
You're Doing Beautifully
Here's what I want you to know, wonderful parent. The fact that you're here, seeking to understand your child's development, asking thoughtful questions, wanting to support them in healthy ways? That's LOVE. That's exactly what your child needs.
This phase is temporary. Your child is learning to navigate a complex social world, and that takes time. There will be moments of comparison, moments of doubt, moments when they feel less than. And in those moments, your warm presence and gentle guidance matter more than any words.
You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to fix every moment of comparison or doubt. You just have to be there, warm and steady, reminding your child that they are loved exactly as they are, and that growing and learning is a beautiful adventure we all share.
The Magic Book and I created The Book of Inara to be a gentle companion for families during these important developmental moments. Stories like The Dream-Rhythm Marathon are designed to teach children, and remind parents, that every person has their own special gifts, their own pace, their own rhythm. And when we honor that, magic happens.
With love and starlight,
Inara
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Show transcript
Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am so happy you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been noticing something beautiful happening with children around ages four and five. They're starting to notice things. Who runs faster. Who builds taller towers. Who gets picked first. And sometimes, that noticing comes with big feelings.
If your little one has started saying things like, I'm not as fast as them, or, They're better at this than me, I want you to take a deep breath and know something important. You're not alone in this, and what you're seeing? It's actually a sign of healthy development. Let me explain.
Around ages four to five, children's brains are developing something called social awareness. They're beginning to understand that they exist in relation to other people. This is WONDERFUL. It means their brain is growing exactly as it should. But here's the thing. This new awareness can feel overwhelming for them, and confusing for you.
The Magic Book taught me something that changed everything. When your child compares themselves to others, they're not developing low self-esteem. They're developing self-awareness. And self-awareness is the foundation for empathy, cooperation, and understanding. The question isn't whether they'll notice differences. They will. The question is, how do we help them build a healthy relationship with those differences?
Recent research from Kyoto University shows that children aged four to five who receive gentle guidance during this phase develop stronger emotion regulation skills and healthier self-concepts that last through elementary school and beyond. Dr. Rikuya Hosokawa notes that social-emotional learning programs significantly improve self-esteem in children this age, with benefits extending into early elementary grades. Isn't that AMAZING?
The National Academies of Sciences emphasizes that this is also when fairness preferences emerge. Your child is learning about equity, cooperation, and what it means to be part of a community. They're asking themselves, Where do I fit? What am I good at? How do I relate to others? These are big, important questions for a little person.
So what can we do to support them? First, validate their observations. When your child says, She's faster than me, don't rush to say, No you're not, or, It doesn't matter. Instead, try something like, You noticed that! Everyone has their own pace, don't they? What do YOU love about running? This shifts the focus from external comparison to internal experience.
Second, help them discover their own rhythm. The Magic Book showed me that every child has what I call a dream-rhythm. It's their unique way of moving through the world, their special combination of strengths and interests and pace. When we help children find THEIR rhythm instead of trying to match someone else's, everything changes.
Third, celebrate effort and growth, not just outcomes. Instead of, You're the best, try, I noticed how hard you tried, or, Look how much you've learned. This builds what researchers call internal measures of success. Your child learns to measure themselves against their own progress, not against others.
Fourth, teach cooperation alongside competition. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology confirms that fairness and cooperation are foundational to moral development at this age. When children learn that working together can be just as satisfying as winning alone, they develop healthier frameworks for engaging with others.
And here's something SPECIAL. Stories can be such gentle helpers during this time. Let me tell you about a story that the Magic Book and I created specifically for this. It's called The Dream-Rhythm Marathon, and it's about two friends, Kenji and Maeva, who discover something magical.
In this story, Kenji and Maeva are running in a children's marathon, and they notice that every runner's footsteps create a unique rhythm. Some are fast and light, others are steady and strong. With help from their friend Celeste, they discover that the marathon course holds the dreams of every runner, and that finding your own dream-rhythm is more important than being the fastest.
What I love about this story is how it teaches children that persistence and dreams work together. Kenji and Maeva learn that success isn't about comparing yourself to others. It's about finding and honoring your own unique pace and purpose. When children hear this story, they start to understand that everyone has their own special rhythm, and that's not just okay, it's BEAUTIFUL.
After you read this story with your child, you can help them identify their own dream-rhythm. Ask questions like, What makes you feel strong and happy when you try? or, What do you love about this activity? instead of, Who's the best? or, Did you win? This gentle shift in language helps your child build confidence from the inside out.
The Magic Book also reminds us that this phase is temporary. Your child is learning to navigate a complex social world, and that takes time. There will be moments of comparison, moments of doubt, moments when they feel less than. And in those moments, your warm presence and gentle guidance matter more than any words.
You might say something like, I see you feeling frustrated that your friend can do something you're still learning. That's a hard feeling. And you know what? You're learning and growing every single day. Remember when you couldn't do this other thing, and now you can? Your brain is AMAZING at learning. You just need time and practice.
This kind of language does something powerful. It validates their feelings, reframes the challenge as normal development, and reminds them of their own growth. It helps them see that they're not in competition with others. They're on their own unique journey.
Research shows that children who learn to value personal growth and collaborative achievement during preschool years demonstrate better emotional regulation, stronger peer relationships, and healthier self-esteem patterns as they progress through school. You're not just helping your child through this moment. You're building a foundation for lifelong wellbeing.
And here's what I want you to know, wonderful parent. You're doing beautifully. The fact that you're here, seeking to understand your child's development, asking thoughtful questions, wanting to support them in healthy ways? That's LOVE. That's exactly what your child needs.
The Magic Book and I created The Book of Inara to be a gentle companion for families during these important developmental moments. Stories like The Dream-Rhythm Marathon are designed to teach children, and remind parents, that every person has their own special gifts, their own pace, their own rhythm. And when we honor that, magic happens.
So tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever feels right, snuggle up with your little one and explore The Dream-Rhythm Marathon together. Watch how their face lights up when they realize that finding your own rhythm is the real victory. Listen to the questions they ask. Notice how the story opens up conversations about fairness, effort, and what it means to be uniquely themselves.
And remember, dear parent, you don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to fix every moment of comparison or doubt. You just have to be there, warm and steady, reminding your child that they are loved exactly as they are, and that growing and learning is a beautiful adventure we all share.
The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on, believing in you and your wonderful child. You've got this.
With love and starlight, Inara.
